Giving up....

....before even really starting

Sad. Angry. Frustrated.  Demotivated. Hurt. Bored. Unhappy. ....my mind goes blank but the list goes on.

I have everything in the world to be the happiest most blessed fit inspired woman....yet I have just crawled back into bed, scoffed down a chocolate and given up before 9am.

Washing sliding doors on Monday seeing my reflection feeling the pain in my tired arms but nothing hurts more than seeing my body go back to square one. Flubby. Big. Ugly.
After I started the new meds it felt like my body and mind was like YES! This is it. The weight on my shoulders and around my hips just fell off. I felt great in my body and my clothes. Food was not an issue.
Easy come easy go. I guess.
Now I feel helpless falling faster and faster into the familiar dark hole. And every goal I set and fail brings me down even more. I look back more than I look forward. I once had it. But I let myself down.

Project "ME"

It's been a shitty confusing traumatic busy two months doing something I did not want to do but felt compelled to. My usual 'save the world' mode takes over and before I can think I'm sucked so deep into a project I feel trapped. But life has proven once again that my guardian angels are looking out for me. Even though most of my project exits were less than civil, I find I understand that it had to be that way in the end otherwise I would fight to hold on to my own detriment.
So after the recent nasty exit I feel relieved. Free. And my dear friend came up with the best idea ever....Project ME should be my new focus!
It's not a new concept but I forget it so easily. It is so difficult to make myself a priority.
Today has been really hard. Was on my way to go enjoy a fun movie but got sidetracked by lost dogs. Again one of those things I just cannot ignore. Landed up just wasting money on high sugar death snacks, going home and getting into bed.
Need a plan. Need motivation. Need accountability.  Need to find ME Myself and I.....

Lost ME

Since going crazy post it has been a wild ride. I have just let go. It was fun while I felt there were no consequences but all of that is rushing full force towards me, I can feel it.
No training. Doing races was painful. Bad bad eating. Always eating on the run or standing. Anxiety through the roof. Very little cooking. Tired. Uninspired. Bored. Unmotivated.
I could probably go on with the list of negatives BUT.....
My dear friend who has every single proper reason to be negative and unmotivated as I am, is NOT! She picks herself up every single day and goes for a run. She tracks every single meal. She is a whizz in the kitchen. Reading her blog makes me feel real bad about my thought process, but that isn't a bad thing. If left to my own devices I destroy myself.
So all of the nonsense aside, I WILL use her amazing example as motivation to pick myself up little by little and get back into training. It won't be a big move, it will be little steps in the right direction just to make sure that 'MOVE MORE' is priority for every single day! To make myself a priority again! To do what I know is best for ME! I have lost sight of what is important. Crumbling under this dark cloud above me at the moment.
I have risen before and I will rise again!