One Two Three Crash

Crashing has become part of my life over the last three years. But worst of it hit last year. Coming from running races and training regularly plus all the daily chores to not even being able to have a simple shower without breathlessness was/is frustrating and scary. It made me angry at my body for letting me down. A crash cannot be fixed with a nap or energy bar. Even supplements stopped working.

Me, Myself and I....

My Struggle is Real....To ME! Here's the uncensored truth....

On the eve of my 37th birthday - 11.11.2015 - I felt like I was having a mid life crisis. I can only liken the feeling to being a beaten stray dog trapped in a dark corner with a figure approaching not knowing if the hand reaching out is friend or foe. Questioning everything and everyone. Which is typical for my nature but I felt panicked with nowhere to turn. I had recently been let down by professionals that I invested much time, money and self into. I was put into a "bipolar type 2" box (second time hearing this) and sent on my way to "research" (second time too) and "think about" committing to intense weekly psychology and monthly psychiatrist therapy, medications etc etc. Literally I was told only call back when you have decided. Like it's not serious enough for me to "chat" to you next week but it's serious enough for intense therapy. So I said stuff you, I do not fit into THAT box and this is where I began my own journey with ME, Myself and I.

Hello...

Cue Adele's new song.....appropriate I thought. LOL!
Here we are. Here I am. After an extremely loooong hiatus I feel the need to write, to share, to learn and hopefully one day to inspire again. Coz at this moment I am the one needing inspiration.
2015 sucked. I only recall two weeks where I was deliriously happy. I was like 'omg so this is what happiness feels like wow' and then it was ripped away leaving a trail of destruction which I am still trying to get over.
So here goes everything. ...

Doing this

It's been two weeks,I think, of making a commitment to myself with a friend for support. Excercise has been good. Two races in one weekend. 
Smoothies are still my first love. Cannot skip a day without it.
Havnt craved naughty stuff. Just when I get emotional there's a void that I feel carbs will fill. There has been in my face temptation but I survived.
Not sure if there is any change yet. Trying not to weigh.
Made the most amazing experimental dinner tonight for ladies night.
Balsamic cranberry brown rice.
Cauli mushroom cheese sauce.
Sweet potato mash.
Kudu fillet.
My friend brought Toffee frozen yogurt and kiwi pear green ice tea.
Perfect meal. Enjoyed the whole evening and no food regrets.

Smoothie Love

Did it. Finally bought a smoothie maker. Thanks to my friend for introducing it to me. I'm sooooo addicted. It's so easy. Filling. I choose a smoothie over any meal or treat.
I feel less bloated. I feel lighter.
Just great.

Fat Days

Fat days are becoming way too frequent. It's been a while since I had a tantrum in my closet. Winter is supposed to be a good time to layer on and cover up but when the only long pants I own turn into a zumba class to get on my heart sinks.
Even more heart wrenching is shopping in the fuller figure section for a size 38. Seriously? 
Feel so sick to my stomach that I haven't even felt like eating. Have had constant heartburn.
Hating myself right now....

Team M in the kitchen

Soooo....after a much needed Sunday afternoon nap I convinced hubby to help prep for forthcoming busy week.
Made some of my favourite tuna cakes and he fried up a dozen patties.
Prepared brown rice, cauliflower, coconut milk mushrooms and fried onions.
Had a great gym workout this morning then all diverted when we headed off to the Grahamstown festival. 
Had yummy beef kebabs and chips. Hot chocolate. Chop suey ric and shanghai steak. AND THEN I found the ultimate fudge guy. I almost kissed him. You just don't understand how divinely dreamy this fudge is. Anyways....one bar down. Hopefully the rest I can savour for longer than a week.
At least I haven't been craving chocolate or cake. Trying my best to make better decisions.