Renewed Direction

Went to bed last night with the intention of sleeping all night - sort of - and waking up earlier to do some training in our newly organised garage fully kitted out with layers of donated carpeting. Looks quite spiffy and so comfortable underfoot.
Sleep was not too bad but not too good either. Still have to get up for the doggies.
Did manage 45 minutes of a rather good workout.
Boxing. Pushups. Mountain climbers. Star jumps. Knee jumps. Bicep curls. Tricep curls. Squats 3 different ways. Crunches. Plus some other Ab stuff I can't name.
All while hubby lay on the floor asking "are we done yet". I just ignored him and carried on.
Over the weekend I decided to up my own meds and take extra Rescue remedy to help with my ailing mind.
Today I'm hoping to find some time to make a Vision Board. I need to get my goals in place and in my face. Hate this limbo feeling.
Also going to sign up with local gym just to use their treadmill and spinning bike.
And I am going to check out a crossfit type studio to see if that may be more fun and goal orientated.
I get bored very quickly and usually around 6 months of something is my limit. So it may be time for a change.
Need to remember this is about ME. What I want and need to live happily ever after!

Bleeeeeep

The more I think about it the crazier I drive myself. But if I don't I feel I will lose more grip on the situation. Although I'm so far off the wagon I can barely see it anymore.
Confused much...
Today at Dischem I asked for advice on taking something to increase my stamina. I'm not making it through a training session. But the problem is I can't take any stimulants because of taking antidepressants. 
So this beefy guy asks a few questions and he seems to ask just the right (wrong) questions leading to me spilling over.
I felt so embarrassed when I finally walked away but he at least made an expensive sale I guess.
Aaaarg. When am I going to get a hold of myself? Nobody knows the pain and suffering I go through. But that's no excuse. Everyone has their cross to bear. I see how other girls overcome their struggles and compare myself to them then feel depressed that I can't find my inner strength I know has to be there. I've come this far haven't I?
Am sure (hoping) that next week will bring more clarity.

Lost the Plot

Had a bit of a breakdown at training today. Woke up pap. Arrived at studio pap. Got on bicycle pap. Then just let all the built up frustrations out! I was wanting to quit coz the constant battle with how I was going to fit workouts in around everything else that needs to happen first in my life, was driving me crazy. Tired.
The first half of this year I could focus on ME. I MADE the time and nothing else came above my workout sessions. Since reaching my goal I have felt lost. Like I can't seem to get going as what am I really working towards. Of course I still want to be leaner and toned. But it was as if it wasn't enough to excite me. Not enough to stop feeling down and eating comfort snacks.
I realised while talking to my trainer that I was once again so easily compromising myself. Putting everything and everyone else ahead of me. Once again not giving myself the highest value.
So we reassess on Thursday. Hopefully it will give me some clear goals to get me excited again! And I may sign up to our local grotty gym just so that I can use their treadmill and bike for those times I have a spare moment to add to the ME time.

Chocolate Mousse

Thanks to my friend for sharing this amazing recipe. It's by far the best Paleo dessert I've made. Simple. Cheap. No flop. Delicious.

1 can coconut milk
1/3 cup raw cocoa powder
1 cup soft dates
Drop vanilla extract

Refrigerate can of coconut milk overnight.
Pour out some of clear liquid.
Soften dates in some warm water.
Place dates in blender add 2 Tbsp coconut milk and blend.
Strain paste for smoother texture.
Add remaining coconut milk and cocoa powder and blend until smooth.
Then add vanilla.
Divide into 4 or 5 ramekins.
Place in fridge few hours.

Ctrl Alt Del

It's been a hellish week. But that's no excuse. I fell hard for the junk drug. Went out of my way to stuff my face which just fueled the need for more and more. At first there weren't adverse effects so I happily continued to binge but then came the bloating, gas, bad skin, heartburn, cardboard mouth...
I'm so hoping it's enough to force me on the right track. Going to Ctrl Alt Del from tomoro and pray I can stick to it. So disappointing that I can't stick to a simple 30 day challenge. Skinny sure as hell feels better than how I feel right now. Need to do this. For ME. Must find the inner strength I know I have, but use it to benefit ME for a change.
Let's do this!!!!

Mind over Matter

Struggling to do what is necessary to reach my last goal. Been "happily" eating whatever I want indulging in all the things I have "deprived" my mind of. My body doesn't need this crap but my mind says I do and that it will make me feel better. And it has been "easier" to just eat whatever. But NOTHING WORTH IT COMES EASY!
So I'm going to try again, third time lucky I hope. For goodness sake it's just 30 days to a better healthier me. Surely I should be able to do that????

Binge Boo Boo

Soooooo hit a huge pothole along my journey and there's no end in sight.
It all started with a shit morning and no breakfast. No prepped food for lunch. Coffee shop lunch omelette with cheat feta and rye toast. Thought that was the extent of it. Had an okay dinner. But by 9pm all further resistance crumbled.  White bread with peanut butter and jam. Doesn't sound major but it's not good at all. It's not clean eating.
This morning after gym had a giant choc chip cookie for breakfast. That's when all went to hell...
Some girls mentioned I may not be in the right headspace right now. I thought about it and they are right. The first 6 months I had an urgency to reach a certain goal. Now there's no real urgency just WANT.
Gotta get through this binge phase. Get sick. Then get back on top.

Cravings

So things have been going quite well on this reboot journey. A full week of doing it right. And the week prior doing it almost right, we shall call it the experimental week. I have been controlling my weakness for desserts with reboot friendly sweeties made with dates and nuts. But it is just not the same. However skinny and healthy feels a lot better I must say so at this stage it is not worth crashing for. I am also loving sweet potato made different ways. To me that is like dessert.
At the back of my mind though I have this detailed image of my homebaked lemon cheesecake. At some point I will have it. Just not right now. And that is ok.
This journey is interesting and different. It is definitely not a diet as I eat myself "dik" with yummy foods. It is just about doing things a little different than what I am used to. Rys vleis en aartapels lathered in oil is what I grew up on. Changing a lifetime of habits is tough.
Planning is key. If I do not have the right stuff ready to go in the fridge then this will not work. I do not like spending much time in kitchen. So prepping a whole lot once or twice a week has made life so much easier.
Onward and upward we go into week three. . .