The Voices

I have always associated with this phrase "my enemies have outposts in my head" and I so often wonder why only enemies? Why do fluffy pink unicorns or Care Bears or any darn positively impactful entity not live there too?
On the lowest days it seems realistic to want to end it all. They sound so believable that you are worthless and better off and others are better off without you. They make it sound so easy, all mapped out for you, just find the energy to pick yourself up and do it.
I giggle to myself now thinking maybe the only reasons why I have not attempted anything is that 1. I probably won't get it right first time 2. I will have to clean the mess. Bwahahaha and I do hate a mess!
Recently I felt I had to make a decision between 3 choices - death, divorce, drugs
I very much wanted to holistically heal myself. Made it four months clean. Have all sorts of negative criticism  towards myself because I couldn't make it work. I probably did not even try hard enough. I know there were 10 days where I made myself a priority and it worked out beautifully. And then life hit me like a ton of bricks and threw me off my axis so much that after two months I am still trying to get back on. And then as I was crawling up I got hit again and again....sometimes I wonder if I was alone if it would be easier. If I could just have myself to take care of would it make a difference. Hence the divorce choice. Whether it is true or not, whether he intends it or not, I feel I have to be available to him 24/7. Work, clean, cook, laundry, shopping, maintenance, organising.....just everything you can imagine plus the kitchen sink. Making myself a priority means blocking out the subtle manipulative comments that come my way when I'm not 100% at his beck and call and that's hard for me. I am yet again disappointing someone. Yet again not being perfect.
So I am officially back on meds. A wonder drug according to the GP. Some reviews exclaim it has saved their life. Others of course paint a very grim picture but we (the voices) are trying not to hold onto those coz we like to be fed happy pills. LOL!
Here's to the invisible helping hand that will get me through this journey with a little softer gentler route ahead. I will NOT be a victim. I will continue to fight until I have no fight left in me.