The Voices

I have always associated with this phrase "my enemies have outposts in my head" and I so often wonder why only enemies? Why do fluffy pink unicorns or Care Bears or any darn positively impactful entity not live there too?
On the lowest days it seems realistic to want to end it all. They sound so believable that you are worthless and better off and others are better off without you. They make it sound so easy, all mapped out for you, just find the energy to pick yourself up and do it.
I giggle to myself now thinking maybe the only reasons why I have not attempted anything is that 1. I probably won't get it right first time 2. I will have to clean the mess. Bwahahaha and I do hate a mess!
Recently I felt I had to make a decision between 3 choices - death, divorce, drugs
I very much wanted to holistically heal myself. Made it four months clean. Have all sorts of negative criticism  towards myself because I couldn't make it work. I probably did not even try hard enough. I know there were 10 days where I made myself a priority and it worked out beautifully. And then life hit me like a ton of bricks and threw me off my axis so much that after two months I am still trying to get back on. And then as I was crawling up I got hit again and again....sometimes I wonder if I was alone if it would be easier. If I could just have myself to take care of would it make a difference. Hence the divorce choice. Whether it is true or not, whether he intends it or not, I feel I have to be available to him 24/7. Work, clean, cook, laundry, shopping, maintenance, organising.....just everything you can imagine plus the kitchen sink. Making myself a priority means blocking out the subtle manipulative comments that come my way when I'm not 100% at his beck and call and that's hard for me. I am yet again disappointing someone. Yet again not being perfect.
So I am officially back on meds. A wonder drug according to the GP. Some reviews exclaim it has saved their life. Others of course paint a very grim picture but we (the voices) are trying not to hold onto those coz we like to be fed happy pills. LOL!
Here's to the invisible helping hand that will get me through this journey with a little softer gentler route ahead. I will NOT be a victim. I will continue to fight until I have no fight left in me.

Learning About Anxiety

I never knew what Anxiety was. Never heard the term before last year. Even though I had gone to numerous psychologists etc over many many years, that word never came up. The more I research the more I identify and the more I realize it has been with me since I was very young. To be honest, lately I don't even know what to think or feel anymore, just that this is not living. And the worst of it is that many people around me don't want to research it but have a lot to say about how I should deal with it.

Can totally understand now why withdrawal from society is a coping mechanism. Why suffering in silence is easier than trying to educate. Why suicide seems like the only way to end the suffering. Coz it is suffering. You feel alone. You are not physically ill, although much of the time you do feel ill. It's not an easily diagnosable condition. It is not a recognized condition. You are a guinea pig hemorrhaging money until something sort of works and you can live with balancing being able to handle life versus the side affects.

I'm at a crossroads right now. Was so very determined to do this drug free, holistically, self heal. BUT it's shit and my chaotic far from schedule friendly life does not allow me to just focus on me. On rare determined occasion when I do and can, things are good. But I have noticed that weekly meltdowns are now to be expected. They are progressively getting worse. Strangely enough mostly on a Monday. Rendering Tuesday useless too, to recover. I've had about as much as I can handle. I want to enjoy the priviledged life I am blessed with.

anxiety

aŋˈzʌɪəti/

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

   1. "he felt a surge of anxiety"

      synonyms:

      worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation,uneasiness ,unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude,perturbation  ,fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves,edginess,  tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation,foreboding, suspense

      antonyms:

      calmness, serenity

      • PSYCHIATRY

        a nervous disorder marked by excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behaviour or panic attacks.

        
        
   2. 2.

      strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

      "the housekeeper's eager anxiety to please"

      synonyms:

      eagerness, keenness, desire, impatience, longing, yearning "her anxiety to please"