Scuba Experience - v1.0

Ocean 1 - Berni 0

I have been on the sea in crafts at high speed in fierce conditions and have gotten stranded twice when engines got cut out. So I never thought that sea sickness would be on the cards at all.
Let me back track.....we are doing a dive course. A course I really only wanted to start in October for various reasons but my impatient husband decided to go ahead and force the issue immediately. So sure, I'm always game to give anything a try.
There was a whole lot of theory and quizzes and a big exam. Cue anxiety triggers right there. Then underwater skills in the pool for hours on end. Cue exhaustion and anxiety right there. Flood your mask then clear it. LOL! Yeah right, right? Take out your breathing apparatus fling it over your shoulder, don't hold your breath while trying to flip to the side and find it, purging the water that has now gotten inside the mouth piece and THEN you may breathe again. Hahahahahha! Joking right? Wrong! .........

Ironman 2016

Hubby did Ironman 2015. That evening after finishing 15 hours and 27 minutes of continuous motion he said not again. But after few months of intense binging and doing nothing he decided to train again for the next one. Life just got in the way. Motivation was not as easy as it was with round one. Family responsibilities. By February we could see it wasn't going to happen.
So this past weekend we supported our friends taking part. We were there amidst the wonderful hype. Cheering on. It was different. Observing the heightened nerves of athletes as they buzzed around getting organised. Wondering if we had the same of looks on our faces the year before. We had serious FOMO (fear of missing out). I did get in some serious step counts that day though. Getting around was not just a straight path. It was up over around as most of the place was obviously cordoned off for the athletes. Weather was beautiful. Conditions were good. The heat got a bit high and at that point I was glad I wasn't running or cycling anywhere.
So here we are hoping to make 2017 our year. I'm very keen to train for the Half Ironman in Durban next year. I am seriously hoping a friend who suggested we train together for it will still be keen after her bad fall off her bike over the weekend. I have been feeling a lot more energised since the meds kicked in, so I am hopeful that this may actually be a turn around point for me to get back into the game in a serious way and make waves in the next year! All leading up to my 40th where I want to have accomplished some serious fitness accolades and be well on my way training for a marathon in my 42nd year!

Crochet Therapy

Crocheting, I believe, is the new 'colour therapy'

Once believed to only be for retired old women, times have changed and all ages are now giving it a try and really enjoying the mesmerizing effects. 

I remember as a young girl my granny taught me all sorts of crafts. Knitting, sewing, candlewicking, crocheting, embroidery. All mostly long forgotten but treasured memories of simpler times. 

When my new hairdresser convinced me to join her Crochet Crew monthly meet, I was quite intimidated. I could not remember how to do it at all. At my first meet with the ladies I was so bad at it and it was so exhausting trying to concentrate so hard to get something done. Eventually sat back and gave up. Put away everything for about two weeks and then one day attempted this sqaure'ish block below. All I wanted to do was make a simple square. That was my mission. It looks so rickety but I'm so proud of that square. I even managed to do a trim AND that flower (thanks to YouTube)

Since learning how to do that flower from YouTube tutorials, I created my own language by looking at the actions on the videos and wrote patterns down in my special book. 

Once I got "hooked" (crochet humour) I didn't see or hear anything around me. I was in a beautiful creative zone. Chores and normal life just got in the way. 

Just this past weekend I surprised all the ladies with my project (as seen in top image) 

They (and I) cannot believe I had come so far from day 1 to creating something so beautiful that they wanted to know by ME how to do. I taught two other new girls how to do a traditional granny square that day. I felt so chuffed and proud. How weird is that hey! 

An ancient craft can mean so much in this modern age. 

I have a new sense of value for all the beautiful items of hard hand work, gifts of pure love from my great grandmother, grandmother and my mom in law.  

Making Zoodles

I have been searching for so long for the gadget to make vegetable noodles aka Spiralizer. There were actually so many to choose from in a vast price range and all sorts of shapes and sizes; that it was all too confusing to decide online. Prices ranged from R100 to R1000, yes one thousand bucks. Uhm, hell NO! Unless it comes with a remote and handsfree kit that aint happening. So I scouted out local shops to see if I could find one that I could view in person but they were no where to be found. Then enroute our holiday recently I popped into a fancy speciality store at the Jbay Fountains Mall and found this one; reasonably priced at R250.
Let me tell you it takes a good few tries to get the hang of it. Requires patience and a bit of arm endurance too. I suggest popping a bottle of wine or steeping a cuppa tea while watching your favourite series to get through a punnet of zucchini.
As you can see from the image there are four stages. 1. whole zucchini (top) 2. zoodles 3. zucchini core 4. stubs
I'm not quite sure what to do with the core leftover pieces, probably create another meal with them, throw them in soup or stews. I froze all the leftovers and will see if it indeed freezes well.
I sauteed these zoodles in garlic butter for a little while and they came out so delicious. Much better than the Woolies prepackaged ones that you microwave in the bag.
I'm excited about finally being able to have a noodle alternative.  Yay for Zoodles!

A Good Food Day

in the life of ME according to ME looks like the following:

Supplements, Meds
Frozen Fruit, Almond Milk, Protein Smoothie
Chicken and Sweet Potato
Cheese, Apple, Biltong
Sweet carbonated drink while cooking dinner (treat)
Zoodles, Mediterranean tinned tomato mix, Ovenbaked Angelfish, Feta sprinkling
Supplements, Meds, awfully vile liquid probiotic....mallow egg to take the edge off
 - water is a constant throughout the day -

The Voices

I have always associated with this phrase "my enemies have outposts in my head" and I so often wonder why only enemies? Why do fluffy pink unicorns or Care Bears or any darn positively impactful entity not live there too?
On the lowest days it seems realistic to want to end it all. They sound so believable that you are worthless and better off and others are better off without you. They make it sound so easy, all mapped out for you, just find the energy to pick yourself up and do it.
I giggle to myself now thinking maybe the only reasons why I have not attempted anything is that 1. I probably won't get it right first time 2. I will have to clean the mess. Bwahahaha and I do hate a mess!
Recently I felt I had to make a decision between 3 choices - death, divorce, drugs
I very much wanted to holistically heal myself. Made it four months clean. Have all sorts of negative criticism  towards myself because I couldn't make it work. I probably did not even try hard enough. I know there were 10 days where I made myself a priority and it worked out beautifully. And then life hit me like a ton of bricks and threw me off my axis so much that after two months I am still trying to get back on. And then as I was crawling up I got hit again and again....sometimes I wonder if I was alone if it would be easier. If I could just have myself to take care of would it make a difference. Hence the divorce choice. Whether it is true or not, whether he intends it or not, I feel I have to be available to him 24/7. Work, clean, cook, laundry, shopping, maintenance, organising.....just everything you can imagine plus the kitchen sink. Making myself a priority means blocking out the subtle manipulative comments that come my way when I'm not 100% at his beck and call and that's hard for me. I am yet again disappointing someone. Yet again not being perfect.
So I am officially back on meds. A wonder drug according to the GP. Some reviews exclaim it has saved their life. Others of course paint a very grim picture but we (the voices) are trying not to hold onto those coz we like to be fed happy pills. LOL!
Here's to the invisible helping hand that will get me through this journey with a little softer gentler route ahead. I will NOT be a victim. I will continue to fight until I have no fight left in me.

Today I Found Myself -by Wentworth Miller

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time. 

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons. 

First and foremost, I was suicidal.

This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about.

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few.

Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

I've struggled with depression since childhood. It's a battle that's cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f--king deal.

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. "Hunk To Chunk." "Fit To Flab." Etc.

My mother has one of those "friends" who's always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.

In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

I'm glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness.

Of myself and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They're waiting to hear from you. Much love. - W.M.