Dinner for One

After yet another tough week, I opened up to a friend about my weird emotions and it really helped. I got dressed, made a shopping list, walked up and down every isle of the supermarket (should have worn my step counter darn), came home and started cooking and baking. I had envisioned our Friday night around the dining table (seldom used) with ice tea and cheesy cauli sticks playing scrabble. Wake up to reality and hubby has yet another meeting. Dinner for One again standing at the counter on achy feet.

My mind is in a bad zone again questioning life and the universe. But it's okay. I will get through this episode too. Like all the ones before it. Like all the ones still to come.

But let's focus on food. I love baking. I hate cooking. I was in the mood for a bit of both this afternoon. Also I had very expensive pre-prepared cauliflower rice and broccoli in the fridge. So Pinterest to the rescue. My go to for absolutely anything and everything. Best invention ever.

Here is what I made tonight. Rather delicious. Rather healthy. Rather simple. All key things I look for. And there is loads of leftovers for tomorrow! Bonus.

(All credit goes to those amazing bloggers. It is their images in here. Click on IMAGE CAPTION  to get to recipe)

BROCCOLI APPLE SALAD

CHEESY CAULIFLOWER BREAD

BLUEBERRY COCONUT LOAF

Two Minutes. Two Hours. Two days.

Two weeks. Two months. Two years.
Do not know why the above seems poignant.  Do not know why it popped into my head as I opened up this New Post. But my mind seems to want to explore these timelines...
Two minutes ago I was eating pineapple (love) an apple with little dollops of peanut butter (reminding me of my visit with a dear friend) and drinking rooibos cappuccino ( mastering our new Nespresso machine)
Two hours ago I was smashing a treadmill workout at gym. First day back after surviving being sick, a death and Life shit.
Two days ago I was enjoying a solo retail therapy session. Boring though coz as much as I wanted so many things they were not needed. So only a cheap pair of ear rings and a new Mavala (fave brand) shade were the spoils. Oh and shamelessly had a sugar filled Lunchbar (aptly named) for lunch.
Two weeks ago there was much turmoil, illness, death, family, crisis, flu.....and more family drama.
Two months ago it was summer holidays. Nothing much to write home about. And two years ago I think it was the beginning of an active race filled year.
Oh where does the time go????
Today I am missioning to get back on track. Pull myself towards myself. In two weeks time we are hoping to be at our getaway destination. Hoping to reset our body mind and soul so that we may survive the rest of the years challenges.  Hoping to have some fun and meaningful moments.  It's been a while.
But first let's see if I can shake off (the devil on my back) a kilo or two (wishful thinking). I know what to do. Now just to do it.

W! T! F!

All I can do at the moment is shrug my shoulders, throw my hands in the air and bow my head in submission. Life has been torturous. I don't know anything I promise.
Just when I got a grip on my diet and gym schedule it all came crashing down around me. Cannot even put my brokenness in words. It is made worse by being sick. So I'm being gentle on myself and just letting it all be.
Hoping. Praying. For all this shit to end!

Ble (gh!) ssed

The cravings and demotivation hit hard the last two days and I waivered from my strict albeit satisfying enough diet. It's been a really tough week with hubby's father taken to hospital and hubby hardly being home. When he is home 24/7 I wish for some peace and quiet and darkness so I can sleep better and the minute I know he will be gone all night I cannot sleep. Ugh! Typical. 

Yesterday I had normal Health Bread instead of Rye and had two blocks of dark Lindt Blueberry, oh and oooops a protein powder milkshake with real ice cream. I am sure they are the culprits for my intense headache and all over body ache this morning. It will take intense convincing to go weight training at gym just now. It's not my favourite workout either so i usually have to phsyc myself up anyways. 

BUT as the image below says so wisely....I am blessed! 

Are we there yet???

At this very moment I am fighting the cravings. It is day 6 and by now surely I would feel leaner or seen a little shift on the scale. I have been extra good. Zero sugar. Zero carbs after 4pm. Zero dairy. Only 1 fruit daily. Moving and sweating daily.
Ugh it's only day 6. Yet whoop whoop I made it to day 6!
We forget so easily that it took a year to pack on and it won't dissappear in a week. However this week has felt like a month has gone by already.
I'm tired and waivering. Got to keep the focus. I can do this. Just have to.

Saying YES to ME

Means saying a whole lot of NO.
No to people. No to things. No to bad food. No to even my husband and sometimes to my own damn self. When the bad negative thoughts want to take hold I have to be stern with myself and say NO. When cravings or hunger beckon I have to remind myself of the long journey ahead and say NO.
All this revelation just hit me now. I told hubby about my plan 4 days ago and he appeared to be grumpy and rude ever since and has refused to eat, full stop, or to eat the food I had said I would be making from now on and made himself something else. It hurt my feelings but I had to be strong and not let it consume me. I had to say YES to ME. Not compromise on the promise I had made to myself because of a toddler like tantrum. I had to say NO to a few outings this week as either I had a gym appointment with myself or I knew hubby just wanted to go out to eat. It isn't nice. I hate missing out on opportunities but I have to put myself strictly first, at least in these hard early days.
This morning I felt a lot of anger and resentment start to boil and I thankfully caught myself just in time. I took a moment and thought really hard about what a highlight of my week was with hubby. There was one night where we listened to music, chatted and played Scrabble. And THAT was my highlight. Just thinking about it made me feel better. So I texted hubby to tell him that I really enjoyed that evening.  Oh boy what a positive turn around that made. It changed his energy. I'm always putting everyone and especially hubby ahead of myself and it just makes me miserable and doesn't change how I get treated. This by chance experiment has proven that putting ME first is indeed a necessity and will change a whole lot more than one expects.
Here's to surviving day three! Haha small victories......

Celebrate the small victories

When I get my craft stuff out I mean business.  LOL!
I've just finished reading Khloe Kardashian book - Strong looks better naked. And OMW so worth every cent. I don't read. Often. Or well. But it took me less than three days to gobble up this book. I can't wait to go back and scribble and highlight the good bits so that when I am down I can get quick access to it. So many things made sense and later on when I go back into it I will share what I found monumental.