Saying YES to ME

Means saying a whole lot of NO.
No to people. No to things. No to bad food. No to even my husband and sometimes to my own damn self. When the bad negative thoughts want to take hold I have to be stern with myself and say NO. When cravings or hunger beckon I have to remind myself of the long journey ahead and say NO.
All this revelation just hit me now. I told hubby about my plan 4 days ago and he appeared to be grumpy and rude ever since and has refused to eat, full stop, or to eat the food I had said I would be making from now on and made himself something else. It hurt my feelings but I had to be strong and not let it consume me. I had to say YES to ME. Not compromise on the promise I had made to myself because of a toddler like tantrum. I had to say NO to a few outings this week as either I had a gym appointment with myself or I knew hubby just wanted to go out to eat. It isn't nice. I hate missing out on opportunities but I have to put myself strictly first, at least in these hard early days.
This morning I felt a lot of anger and resentment start to boil and I thankfully caught myself just in time. I took a moment and thought really hard about what a highlight of my week was with hubby. There was one night where we listened to music, chatted and played Scrabble. And THAT was my highlight. Just thinking about it made me feel better. So I texted hubby to tell him that I really enjoyed that evening.  Oh boy what a positive turn around that made. It changed his energy. I'm always putting everyone and especially hubby ahead of myself and it just makes me miserable and doesn't change how I get treated. This by chance experiment has proven that putting ME first is indeed a necessity and will change a whole lot more than one expects.
Here's to surviving day three! Haha small victories......

Celebrate the small victories

When I get my craft stuff out I mean business.  LOL!
I've just finished reading Khloe Kardashian book - Strong looks better naked. And OMW so worth every cent. I don't read. Often. Or well. But it took me less than three days to gobble up this book. I can't wait to go back and scribble and highlight the good bits so that when I am down I can get quick access to it. So many things made sense and later on when I go back into it I will share what I found monumental.

Three months

12 weeks. The magical number. Most fitness plans revolve around this. When I was doing classes three days a week for three months with a person trainer aka the devil, I did the before and after shots. The results were amazing. The transformation was amazing.
Now thinking about three months ago when I felt as low as I do right now about my weight, had I just started then imagine how awesome I would be looking and feeling right now! Damnit man why is it so hard to stick with things or to even start.

Retail therapy

Friday afternoon I was left alone once again. Hubby chooses to be mostly away from home....but that's a topic for another.
I was not going to wallow. Or give in to the dreadful stuck in mud feelings from the heatwave. So I put on some decent clothes and went to the mall. The initial goal was just to walk around aimlessly.  But soon I found one thing then another then another and got all excited. Especially excited about the book I've been searching for since November by Khloe Kardashian.  Hoping it will help me focus more of my anger and pain into exercise and come out in the end looking amazing.
When I finally got home I was so exhausted and feet were aching so much I just plopped onto couch to recover. It was a good feeling.

UNfit, NON-phat and UNflourishing

Seeing as I feel all the above but I'm pretty f'n tired of feeling sorry for myself, I thought that even though the title of this is negative I would try to only see into the future and put a positive spin on it. Let's see how far I can get....

 ~ Fit. Fitness. Gym. Run. Races. Parkrun. Move. Steps.  These are key words to working towards a fitter me. Four days a week I have set myself appointments on my phone diary and am committing to respecting myself enough to not waiver unless someone is dying.
Monday - my favourite workout to get me started for the week is running on the treadmill at gym for 40 minutes, followed by stretching and some abs.
Tuesday - horse riding followed by an hour of pool laps at the gym
Thursday - my non favourite workout....WEIGHTS! I have a mental block but am determined to get past it asap.
Friday - Yoga.
Saturday - Parkrun or some or other race or dog walking.
For at least 3 days per week I am on a mission to attain over 10000 steps.

 ~ PHAT. Pretty. Hot. And. Tempting. Now just to believe in myself enough to feel that I look good. Good enough. That I am good enough. To stop comparing myself with the world.
Wednesdays are reserved for visiting with friends, doing something for myself like a Spa treatment or hair. Something that will reinforce that it is OK to be where I am at. It is OK to like myself. It is just all OK. A non food reward.

 ~ Flourishing. Happiness. Health. Hope. Smile. This mission will be to feel OK with my life as it is. I'm not capable of being superwoman anymore but that's OK, been there done that. To find happiness in my little life that I have down scaled to now. The simple things. Work on my mental health as well as physical health. All intertwined. Read more. Color more. Smell the roses. Be free. Have fun. Let go. Find my inner child. To be OK with not having to be the adult ALL THE TIME!

From my view point hugemungous missions. But it will be taken one day at a time. Sometimes it will be taken one hour at a time. Maybe even minute to minute. I got no choice really. Life is happening with or without me. Somehow I will make it.  'i hope so' - self doubt is so overbearing. Pffft.

Huge crashy crashy

So of course. Shortly after "no crashy crashy" I had/have/having a huge breakdown.
Wednesday was suppose to be a special day. Hubby and I got tattoos. But my foot one was extremely painful and I think I was starting to crash before even getting out of bed. No amount of sugary drinks helped get some pep. While hubby was getting his I really went downhill. Chest tightness, tummy ache, burning eyes, yawning constantly. ... all tell tale signs.
Then for the next 48hours it was hell on earth. Was naive to volunteer to take in a mommy dog with eight tiny pups. She was aggressive to other dogs and human needy and did not want to spend time with her brood.  I was so relieved when I could take them to their new foster home. But it was just another sign that I cannot handle much. As much as I wanted to enjoy the experience it was physically damaging and emotionally draining.
Then just when I think a twelve hour stint of bed rest would do the trick......noooooo I start catching up with neglected house chores become resentful and have a major meltdown fight with hubby. This emotional crying thing is still new to me. While being on meds I could have wobbly's but they went away quickly and without tears. I'm seriously considering going back on. This shit is shit!
Am so confused and frustrated.  It's a horrible space I find myself in. And when my mind is deliriously tired it refuses to fight over matter...

No crashy crashy

So yesterday I was gearing up to crash big time. Monday was just as busy and intense and I crashed clock work 2pm. Why was yesterday any different?
Early morning pee patrol. Clean kitchen. Quick image design. Horse riding for an hour. Gym pool laps for half hour. Make and eat breakfast. Continue image design. Business bookkeeping reports. Snack time. Stretch legs. More bookkeeping stuff. Complete changes to image design. Sit outside. Make husband dinner. Pack dishwasher. Wash dishes. Clean kitchen. Organise dining table mess. Make nut bars. First try fail. Make nut bars, again. Wash more dishes. Make and eat my dinner. Swing arms for half hour. Evening pee patrol. You see....just a typical day, but usually I would only manage half.
I have taken REM sleep seriously though. Monday afternoon shopping trip involved looking for as many sleep masks or lookalikes aka head bands that I could find. Plus an extra pair of ear phones just for my phone next to my bed.
Suppose I should back track a little to explain why all this was necessary. My dear husband cannot go without a second being separated from his phone or TV or both. So we have a TV in our bedroom, I know not ideal, but before I allowed it he would sleep in the lounge. Now I have to endure blue flashing light and fluctuating sound levels and constant actor dialogue. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT!
It has been irking me tremendously adding to my anxiety, bad mood and negativity AND IRRITABILITY! So I took charge, as asking for a night or two of dark silence has proven impossible.
Back to sleep masks and ear phones.....Monday night I put on a head band AND a sleep mask AND played sleep meditation music streaming through YouTube. And I think I actually slept. Well.
Tried it again last night so let's see how today goes....

Energize

This is my key word. Energize! My 'go-to' word when I catch myself thinking negatively, am in pain, want to give up. Energize! The word itself sounds jazzy upbeat positive. Suppose it's the letter 'Z' that makes the difference. Energize! Zingy. 
The definition gives it more power for my purpose. "give vitality and enthusiasm to" "supply energy, typically kinetic or electrical energy, to something"
Even the synonyms. "enliven, liven up, vitalize, invigorate, perk up, excite, electrify, stimulate, fire up, motivate, move, drive, encourage"
I want to feel all these positive feelings. I want to push away these dark dreadful negative pulses that consume me. ENERGIZE! Do I believe it yet.....
Today I knocked out a good gym session. Ran on treadmill. Abs. Stretch. Was in pain, wanted to give up. Energize! Came home to frustration, washing, dog throwing up. Energize! I'm fading fast, back hurts, weighted feeling on chest. Energize! Energize! Energize FFS!

Desperate times

2015 was definitely the year of desperate measures. I tried to do it all in terms of finding out what's wrong with me and how to fix it and of course everyone had an opinion and an expensive plan forward with no guarantees.  Tried all sorts of concoctions supplements meds modalities.  Who can even remember it all. Oh and even a shopping list length of blood tests revealing nothing, of course. It makes me feel more sick to my stomach to think of the tens of thousands of rands that was spent.
Around the time of my "stuff you" meltdown I decided to stop all meds supplements, stop failing at veganism, stop all the ideals of being carb sugar free - just STOP!

One Two Three Crash

Crashing has become part of my life over the last three years. But worst of it hit last year. Coming from running races and training regularly plus all the daily chores to not even being able to have a simple shower without breathlessness was/is frustrating and scary. It made me angry at my body for letting me down. A crash cannot be fixed with a nap or energy bar. Even supplements stopped working.

Me, Myself and I....

My Struggle is Real....To ME! Here's the uncensored truth....

On the eve of my 37th birthday - 11.11.2015 - I felt like I was having a mid life crisis. I can only liken the feeling to being a beaten stray dog trapped in a dark corner with a figure approaching not knowing if the hand reaching out is friend or foe. Questioning everything and everyone. Which is typical for my nature but I felt panicked with nowhere to turn. I had recently been let down by professionals that I invested much time, money and self into. I was put into a "bipolar type 2" box (second time hearing this) and sent on my way to "research" (second time too) and "think about" committing to intense weekly psychology and monthly psychiatrist therapy, medications etc etc. Literally I was told only call back when you have decided. Like it's not serious enough for me to "chat" to you next week but it's serious enough for intense therapy. So I said stuff you, I do not fit into THAT box and this is where I began my own journey with ME, Myself and I.

Hello...

Cue Adele's new song.....appropriate I thought. LOL!
Here we are. Here I am. After an extremely loooong hiatus I feel the need to write, to share, to learn and hopefully one day to inspire again. Coz at this moment I am the one needing inspiration.
2015 sucked. I only recall two weeks where I was deliriously happy. I was like 'omg so this is what happiness feels like wow' and then it was ripped away leaving a trail of destruction which I am still trying to get over.
So here goes everything. ...