Monday, 3 October 2016

A new day....again

So after many days of wallowing and lying in bed wishing time away, this morning I got up, got dressed for gym and WENT!
Did a treadmill warm up and then did Day1 of a completely new workout plan, all nicely color printed and placed into a very neat little plastic flip file.
It was hard. Very hard. I had to take numerous bending over holding onto bench catching breath moves. I am seriously unfit. Even got cramps and slightly twisted my ankle as my leg was like jelly and wouldn't hold me up. LOL!
But it felt good. I felt so proud looking at my very neat little book without having to overthink what I had to do. I was very scared to start. I thought I was not going to find a little corner to do the workout. I thought I was going to embarrass myself flailing about. But I didn't. It all worked out in the end.
So I survived Day1. I'm not even going to make any promises to myself. I have disappointed myself enough. I will take day by day and try make the best effort to make better and healthier decisions for myself.
OH OHOHOH and I got the best surprise ever on Friday! I WON a 6 night stay at a Health Retreat in Joburg. Wow! It could not have come at a better time. Just what I need. Am so looking forward to it.


Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Giving up....

....before even really starting

Sad. Angry. Frustrated.  Demotivated. Hurt. Bored. Unhappy. ....my mind goes blank but the list goes on.

I have everything in the world to be the happiest most blessed fit inspired woman....yet I have just crawled back into bed, scoffed down a chocolate and given up before 9am.

Washing sliding doors on Monday seeing my reflection feeling the pain in my tired arms but nothing hurts more than seeing my body go back to square one. Flubby. Big. Ugly.
After I started the new meds it felt like my body and mind was like YES! This is it. The weight on my shoulders and around my hips just fell off. I felt great in my body and my clothes. Food was not an issue.
Easy come easy go. I guess.
Now I feel helpless falling faster and faster into the familiar dark hole. And every goal I set and fail brings me down even more. I look back more than I look forward. I once had it. But I let myself down.

Sunday, 11 September 2016

Project "ME"

It's been a shitty confusing traumatic busy two months doing something I did not want to do but felt compelled to. My usual 'save the world' mode takes over and before I can think I'm sucked so deep into a project I feel trapped. But life has proven once again that my guardian angels are looking out for me. Even though most of my project exits were less than civil, I find I understand that it had to be that way in the end otherwise I would fight to hold on to my own detriment.
So after the recent nasty exit I feel relieved. Free. And my dear friend came up with the best idea ever....Project ME should be my new focus!
It's not a new concept but I forget it so easily. It is so difficult to make myself a priority.
Today has been really hard. Was on my way to go enjoy a fun movie but got sidetracked by lost dogs. Again one of those things I just cannot ignore. Landed up just wasting money on high sugar death snacks, going home and getting into bed.
Need a plan. Need motivation. Need accountability.  Need to find ME Myself and I.....


Thursday, 1 September 2016

Lost ME

Since going crazy post it has been a wild ride. I have just let go. It was fun while I felt there were no consequences but all of that is rushing full force towards me, I can feel it.
No training. Doing races was painful. Bad bad eating. Always eating on the run or standing. Anxiety through the roof. Very little cooking. Tired. Uninspired. Bored. Unmotivated.
I could probably go on with the list of negatives BUT.....
My dear friend who has every single proper reason to be negative and unmotivated as I am, is NOT! She picks herself up every single day and goes for a run. She tracks every single meal. She is a whizz in the kitchen. Reading her blog makes me feel real bad about my thought process, but that isn't a bad thing. If left to my own devices I destroy myself.
So all of the nonsense aside, I WILL use her amazing example as motivation to pick myself up little by little and get back into training. It won't be a big move, it will be little steps in the right direction just to make sure that 'MOVE MORE' is priority for every single day! To make myself a priority again! To do what I know is best for ME! I have lost sight of what is important. Crumbling under this dark cloud above me at the moment.
I have risen before and I will rise again!


Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Gone Crazy


So the last ten days have been insanely busy AND filled with CAKE! I was noticing the increased anxiety, fidgeting, lip biting, night sweats, bad sleeping....but just thought it was because of the busy schedule and new project. Then Sunday happened. Late to an event - huge anxiety started right there. Then all the guests were tardy at leaving the table as the new guests arrived - major anxiety there. THEN a hugemungous piece of chocolate mousse cake - which after two bites sent my heart into palpitations. I immediately put it into a take away box right then and there. Everyone still wanted to socialise after and I said straight out I have had enough of people in general I need to go crawl into bed. But that wasn't possible. I was on such a sugar high that I landed up cleaning the house before crashing with a major headache.
Monday rolled around and my first bit of news was of a dog being abandoned and my rage just exploded out onto Facebook. I wanted to let the world know how disgusted I am with everyone and my crazy really shone through brightly.
I sat back after having a fun filled day of offending the world and realised it must have been the affects of the 'sugar drug' I remember nights when I used to binge on blueberry muffins and my Facebook status would reflect the crazy thoughts. It is genuinely scary to think something we all eat on a regular basis can have such an affect. Time to slow down. Detox. Get back on the Sane Train!

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Compliments

I'm not one for taking compliments very well. Usually physically withdrawing into myself and denying what the person has said. It has been something I've worked on for years and it's not easy to believe they speak the truth when one does not believe it about themselves.
Lately I have been receiving many compliments. At the beginning I put them down as I honestly did not believe it coz how could it be I had not worked hard enough to warrant such praise.
But yesterday a compliment from a complete stranger, well it's the lady at the vet reception who we've seen now and then over a few years, gave me a compliment about having lost so much weight. I said thank you without putting it down but I so wish I could have made her feel better about herself as she immediately put herself down. I have always thought she is beautiful yet I've never said it. And saying it immediately following her compliment would have just looked like a meaningless payback.
We really don't compliment each other enough. We are so afraid of giving and receiving compliments one could swear it's a sin. Why is that? I can only imagine it would make this horrible world a better place.
I have on rare occasion gone up to a complete stranger and paid them a compliment but then profusely apologise and literally scurry away. I could see it made their day and I would get all warm and fuzzy feelings inside. So one wonders why if the reward is so great we don't want to do it more. We sure as hell commit easily to bad habits that feel good.
Anyways, it was yet another lesson and reminder to up my game of giving and receiving compliments.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

Whooosh!

Uhm where did May go? I managed ONE measly post in May and now we're already in June and I'm like hold on. I'm still trudging along. Thankfully more good days than bad. Still trying to fit it all in, which means I'm probably doing way too much too soon and that I'm always waiting for that huge crash around the corner that is going to flatten me good.
Is it really attainable? Can I really train effectively doing five different disciplines? Road running, trail running, road cycling, swimming, horse riding....sometimes trail cycling too, you know, for fun. HAHA!  There are only SEVEN days a week plus LIFE. I still have to fit in gym time too, yoga is suppose to be on top of my list but barely make those classes.
Suddenly food is a bit of an issue again. For a while it wasn't and it was lovely. I was making good choices without even thinking about and my body showed the results pleasingly. Now my tummy is expanding a bit again from bloat from the obvious bad choices. I still can't consume the quantity like I used to, thankfully, but quite often I feel discomfort after a meal. Need to start making good choices again, soon. So many events coming up though.
Finally finished the blooming Diving course this week. Yay! Saw so many beautiful creatures. It is genuinely beautiful down there. So I am quite looking forward to seeing how it is to dive just for the fun of it with a new company. If it isn't organised better then that's it for me!
There's many birthdays coming up in the next two weeks. I'm planning quite a surprise which I am excited about but also have anxiety over. So many people we've got to socialise with this month.
One day at a time. One minute at a time. One foot in front of the other. It's the only way.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

A Shift In My Universe

Something has changed. So subtly. Not sure if I've spoken about it before, bad memory and all. But I think it may be worth mentioning again.
Haven't blogged in so long and it's because I've been BUSY! Extra BUSY! And that in itself is amazing. I'm capable of being busy again. I'm capable of being busy for more than one or two days. I'm capable of having a shower, shaving AND blow drying my hair. Yesterday I managed, albeit extremely exhausting, two sea dives doing skills plus an afternoon appointment and I didn't crash at five. Even after having had very limited sleep due to babysitting a bottle baby needing feeding every two hours for two days. AND another thing to mention is that when my furbabies come inside with muddy paws I am able to calmly wipe their paws and not completely lose my mind.
Yesterday's appointment was with the Homeopath. She is so impressed with the progress I've made we did not even set another appointment. It was left at call me when you need me. This after only ONE appointment. This after only about TWO months. After feeling helpless and hopeless for over two years I feel like a different person. She asked me if I don't feel angry at the fact that I reached out to so many professionals and that no one could or wanted to understand. I said that I was when I was in a bad place but right now I am reveling, hour by hour, in the glory of strength. To know that I'm gonna be OK. To know that when I do crash I'm not a failure I just need to rest and that is OK.
I've recently realised that my creativity has been restored too. I'm excited to actually implement projects and complete them. I'm learning new skills. Making gifts. Ahead of me are some massive home projects that I'm excited to get underway.
I'm cautious though at what's ahead. Always wondering if this is too good to be true. When is that train gonna flatten me again. You know, what goes up must come down. BUT in this hour I'm OK. The next hour may not be but then I have my angel winged friends who support me. I have a homeopath who believes in me and her capability to help me. I have my bed that I can go crawl into, pull the covers over my head and disappear until I'm ready to face it all again. And in some crazy silly warped way I have my husband who may not understand or feel very supportive but he's there, still there, after it all and for that I'm grateful. As much as I could ring his neck at times. He is still here.
Life is truly a fucked up journey. One can only but sit back and smile through the insanity.

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Bye Bye Third Part of Year

It becomes unbelievable every year as one notices how faster time flies as you get older. I remember in high school how days felt like it was dragging by, being an adult seemed miles away and it seemed like the normal wish was to be all grown up. Fast track to adulthood and all we wish for now is those days of innocence and no responsibility. If only we knew to enjoy the fun and games back then.
Right now I'm trying to juggle everything (fitness, family, friends, fosters) and still be capable of getting up the next day. Getting the balance between everything is quite tough but so far so good.
The Half Ironman training has officially started. Whoop Whoop! I'm very excited. Even more so that I have a training partner who knows what she is doing and is willing to take me under her wing. Am very grateful as doing it alone is not something I see myself doing. I only managed a 15km cycle on my mountain bike, which is apparently tougher than on a ride bike. But a scary thought that eventually I'll have to manage 100km. Afterwards went straight to a second hand shop and bought cleats to use on hubby's road bike but then saw a really good deal on a bike perfect for my height, which hubby's bike isn't really. So a big spoil. It's so funny how much money we are willing to spend on sports equipment but I'll never go buy myself pretty clothes for that price.
At the moment I feel like I'm just putting my head down and going through the motions of the daily to-do's. Honestly, I do not know how I'm going to handle NOT having the foster babies. They have given me a reason to get up in the morning, EARLY! Little souls that need me for everything. They gave me purpose. So I am very afraid. I think this is why I am even more grateful for the training partner who I am accountable to.
Every day is a new day. A day full of unexpected happenings.
So every morning I just try get through that day in one piece.




Saturday, 23 April 2016

Things To Remember When You Love A Person Who Has Depression

1. Depression is not a choice.
Depression is one of the most helpless and frustrating experiences a person can have. It’s sometimes feeling sad, sometimes feeling empty, and sometimes feeling absolutely nothing at all. There are times when depression can leave someone feeling paralyzed in their own mind and body, unable to do the things they used to love to do or the things they know they should be doing. Depression is not just a bad day or a bad mood and it’s not something someone can just “get over.” Remember no one chooses to be depressed.
2. Saying things like “it’ll get better,” “you just need to get out of the house,” or “you’ll be fine” is meaningless.
It’s easy to tell someone these things because you think you’re giving them a solution or a simple way to make them feel better and to ease their pain, but these kinds of phrases always come across as empty, insulting, and essentially meaningless.
Saying these phrases to them only create more tension within, making them feel as though they’re inadequate, and like you’re not acknowledging what they’re going through by trying to put a band aid on a much larger issue. They understand you’re just trying to help but these words only make them feel worse. A silent hug can do so much more than using cliched sayings........

Thursday, 21 April 2016

The Three Words That Can Change Your Life

There are three words in the English language that represent a basic framework of your psychological self-concept—and how you use them on a day-to-day basis can determine the course of your life.
  • "I" very simply represents you as the agent.
  • "am" represents your beliefs about who you are presently.
  • "can" represents your beliefs about what you are capable of doing in the future.
When you put yourself as the agent and a belief together to form the statements “I am” or “I can,” what follows the statement creates a set of self-associations that forms the foundation of your current identity and who you are in the process of becoming. To put it simply, those statements cause you to form a mental picture of how you see yourself:
  • I am: I am always late, I am never good enough, I am not good at exercise, I am a weirdo, I am socially awkward, I am a slob, I am smart, I am a good person, I am capable of taking care of myself.
  • I can: I can not lose weight, I can not save money, I can never stay focused, I can get things done, I can improve my relationships, I can find a better job, I can make new friends, I can make healthy choices.......

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Ocean Blessings

So this morning the most incredible thing happened, ever! The dolphins off Hobie Beach were an arms length away from me while I was swimming back around the Pier.
We got into the water just after day break. It was pristine conditions. The visibility was amazing. On our way back we stopped over a reef and viewed the cute little fishes. Then as I was making my way around the Pier heading back to shore I spot a huge fin below me. My first thought was SHARK! I instantly talked my panic down and then I saw two of the beauties surface right in front of me. Wow! I was blown away. I could not believe it was finally happening to me. My husband has had this privilege so many times I got quite irritated when he would tell me about it.
We hung around and so did they. What an incredible morning! I'm so thankful for this blessing.


(photo borrowed from google image search)

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Scuba Experience - v1.0

Ocean 1 - Berni 0

I have been on the sea in crafts at high speed in fierce conditions and have gotten stranded twice when engines got cut out. So I never thought that sea sickness would be on the cards at all.
Let me back track.....we are doing a dive course. A course I really only wanted to start in October for various reasons but my impatient husband decided to go ahead and force the issue immediately. So sure, I'm always game to give anything a try.
There was a whole lot of theory and quizzes and a big exam. Cue anxiety triggers right there. Then underwater skills in the pool for hours on end. Cue exhaustion and anxiety right there. Flood your mask then clear it. LOL! Yeah right, right? Take out your breathing apparatus fling it over your shoulder, don't hold your breath while trying to flip to the side and find it, purging the water that has now gotten inside the mouth piece and THEN you may breathe again. Hahahahahha! Joking right? Wrong! .........



Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Ironman 2016

Hubby did Ironman 2015. That evening after finishing 15 hours and 27 minutes of continuous motion he said not again. But after few months of intense binging and doing nothing he decided to train again for the next one. Life just got in the way. Motivation was not as easy as it was with round one. Family responsibilities. By February we could see it wasn't going to happen.
So this past weekend we supported our friends taking part. We were there amidst the wonderful hype. Cheering on. It was different. Observing the heightened nerves of athletes as they buzzed around getting organised. Wondering if we had the same of looks on our faces the year before. We had serious FOMO (fear of missing out). I did get in some serious step counts that day though. Getting around was not just a straight path. It was up over around as most of the place was obviously cordoned off for the athletes. Weather was beautiful. Conditions were good. The heat got a bit high and at that point I was glad I wasn't running or cycling anywhere.
So here we are hoping to make 2017 our year. I'm very keen to train for the Half Ironman in Durban next year. I am seriously hoping a friend who suggested we train together for it will still be keen after her bad fall off her bike over the weekend. I have been feeling a lot more energised since the meds kicked in, so I am hopeful that this may actually be a turn around point for me to get back into the game in a serious way and make waves in the next year! All leading up to my 40th where I want to have accomplished some serious fitness accolades and be well on my way training for a marathon in my 42nd year!

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Crochet Therapy


Crocheting, I believe, is the new 'colour therapy'
Once believed to only be for retired old women, times have changed and all ages are now giving it a try and really enjoying the mesmerizing effects. 
I remember as a young girl my granny taught me all sorts of crafts. Knitting, sewing, candlewicking, crocheting, embroidery. All mostly long forgotten but treasured memories of simpler times. 
When my new hairdresser convinced me to join her Crochet Crew monthly meet, I was quite intimidated. I could not remember how to do it at all. At my first meet with the ladies I was so bad at it and it was so exhausting trying to concentrate so hard to get something done. Eventually sat back and gave up. Put away everything for about two weeks and then one day attempted this sqaure'ish block below. All I wanted to do was make a simple square. That was my mission. It looks so rickety but I'm so proud of that square. I even managed to do a trim AND that flower (thanks to YouTube)
Since learning how to do that flower from YouTube tutorials, I created my own language by looking at the actions on the videos and wrote patterns down in my special book. 
Once I got "hooked" (crochet humour) I didn't see or hear anything around me. I was in a beautiful creative zone. Chores and normal life just got in the way. 
Just this past weekend I surprised all the ladies with my project (as seen in top image) 
They (and I) cannot believe I had come so far from day 1 to creating something so beautiful that they wanted to know by ME how to do. I taught two other new girls how to do a traditional granny square that day. I felt so chuffed and proud. How weird is that hey! 
An ancient craft can mean so much in this modern age. 
I have a new sense of value for all the beautiful items of hard hand work, gifts of pure love from my great grandmother, grandmother and my mom in law.  


Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Making Zoodles


I have been searching for so long for the gadget to make vegetable noodles aka Spiralizer. There were actually so many to choose from in a vast price range and all sorts of shapes and sizes; that it was all too confusing to decide online. Prices ranged from R100 to R1000, yes one thousand bucks. Uhm, hell NO! Unless it comes with a remote and handsfree kit that aint happening. So I scouted out local shops to see if I could find one that I could view in person but they were no where to be found. Then enroute our holiday recently I popped into a fancy speciality store at the Jbay Fountains Mall and found this one; reasonably priced at R250.
Let me tell you it takes a good few tries to get the hang of it. Requires patience and a bit of arm endurance too. I suggest popping a bottle of wine or steeping a cuppa tea while watching your favourite series to get through a punnet of zucchini.
As you can see from the image there are four stages. 1. whole zucchini (top) 2. zoodles 3. zucchini core 4. stubs
I'm not quite sure what to do with the core leftover pieces, probably create another meal with them, throw them in soup or stews. I froze all the leftovers and will see if it indeed freezes well.
I sauteed these zoodles in garlic butter for a little while and they came out so delicious. Much better than the Woolies prepackaged ones that you microwave in the bag.
I'm excited about finally being able to have a noodle alternative.  Yay for Zoodles!

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

A Good Food Day

in the life of ME according to ME looks like the following:


Supplements, Meds
Frozen Fruit, Almond Milk, Protein Smoothie
Chicken and Sweet Potato
Cheese, Apple, Biltong
Sweet carbonated drink while cooking dinner (treat)
Zoodles, Mediterranean tinned tomato mix, Ovenbaked Angelfish, Feta sprinkling
Supplements, Meds, awfully vile liquid probiotic....mallow egg to take the edge off
 - water is a constant throughout the day -


Monday, 4 April 2016

The Voices


I have always associated with this phrase "my enemies have outposts in my head" and I so often wonder why only enemies? Why do fluffy pink unicorns or Care Bears or any darn positively impactful entity not live there too?
On the lowest days it seems realistic to want to end it all. They sound so believable that you are worthless and better off and others are better off without you. They make it sound so easy, all mapped out for you, just find the energy to pick yourself up and do it.
I giggle to myself now thinking maybe the only reasons why I have not attempted anything is that 1. I probably won't get it right first time 2. I will have to clean the mess. Bwahahaha and I do hate a mess!
Recently I felt I had to make a decision between 3 choices - death, divorce, drugs
I very much wanted to holistically heal myself. Made it four months clean. Have all sorts of negative criticism  towards myself because I couldn't make it work. I probably did not even try hard enough. I know there were 10 days where I made myself a priority and it worked out beautifully. And then life hit me like a ton of bricks and threw me off my axis so much that after two months I am still trying to get back on. And then as I was crawling up I got hit again and again....sometimes I wonder if I was alone if it would be easier. If I could just have myself to take care of would it make a difference. Hence the divorce choice. Whether it is true or not, whether he intends it or not, I feel I have to be available to him 24/7. Work, clean, cook, laundry, shopping, maintenance, organising.....just everything you can imagine plus the kitchen sink. Making myself a priority means blocking out the subtle manipulative comments that come my way when I'm not 100% at his beck and call and that's hard for me. I am yet again disappointing someone. Yet again not being perfect.
So I am officially back on meds. A wonder drug according to the GP. Some reviews exclaim it has saved their life. Others of course paint a very grim picture but we (the voices) are trying not to hold onto those coz we like to be fed happy pills. LOL!
Here's to the invisible helping hand that will get me through this journey with a little softer gentler route ahead. I will NOT be a victim. I will continue to fight until I have no fight left in me.



Friday, 1 April 2016

Today I Found Myself -by Wentworth Miller

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time. 

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons. 

First and foremost, I was suicidal.

This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about.

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few.

Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

I've struggled with depression since childhood. It's a battle that's cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f--king deal.

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. "Hunk To Chunk." "Fit To Flab." Etc.

My mother has one of those "friends" who's always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.

In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

I'm glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness.

Of myself and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They're waiting to hear from you. Much love. - W.M.

Thursday, 31 March 2016

Things You Need To Know About People Who Have Concealed Anxiety

1. They don’t hide their anxiety, they hide their symptoms. To have concealed anxiety isn’t to deny having it – only to do everything in your power to ensure other people don’t see you struggle.
2. They have the most anxiety about having anxiety. Because they are not comfortable letting people see them in the throes of an irrational panic, the most anxiety-inducing idea is… whether or not they’ll have anxiety at any given moment in time.
3. They come across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but rarely out. It is not that they are anti-social, just that they can only take being around others incrementally (which is mostly normal). Yet, on the surface, this may come across as confusing.
4. They make situations worse by trying to suppress their feelings about them. They are extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing them in pain, and they don’t want to feel pitied or as though they are compromising anyone’s time. Yet, they make things worse for themselves by suppressing, as it actually funnels a ton of energy into making the problem larger and more present than it already was.
5. They are often hyper-aware and highly intuitive. Anxiousness is an evolutionary function that essentially keeps us alive by making us aware of our surroundings and other people’s motives. It’s only uncomfortable when we don’t know how to manage it effectively – the positive side is that it makes you hyper-conscious of what’s going on around you.
6. Their deepest triggers are usually social situations. It’s not that they feel anxious in an airplane, it’s that they feel anxious in an airplane and are stuck around 50 other people. It’s not that they will fail a test, but that they will fail a test and everyone in school will find out and think they are incompetent and their parents will be disappointed. It’s not that they will lose love, but that they will lose love and nobody will ever love them again.
7. It is not always just a “panicked feeling” they have to hide. It can also be a tendency to worry, catastrophizing, etc. The battle is often (always?) between competing thoughts in their minds.
8. They are deep thinkers, and great problem-solvers. One of the benefits of anxiety is that it leads you to considering every worst case scenario, and then subsequently, how to handle or respond to each.
9. They are almost always “self-regulating” their thoughts. They’re talking themselves in, out, around, up or down from something or another very often, and increasingly so in public places.
10. They don’t trust easily, but they will convince you that they do. They want to make the people around them feel loved and accepted as it eases their anxiety in a way.
11. They tend to desire control in other areas of their lives. They’re over-workers or are manically particular about how they dress or can’t really seem to let go of relationships if it wasn’t their idea to end them.
12. They have all-or-nothing personalities, which is what creates the anxiety. Despite being so extreme, they are highly indecisive. They try to “figure out” whether or not something is right before they actually try to do it.
13. They assume they are disliked. While this is often stressful, it often keeps them humble and grounded at the same time.
14. They are very driven (they care about the outcome of things). They are in equal proportions as in control of their lives as they feel out of control of their lives – this is because they so frequently try to compensate for fear of the unknown.
15. They are very smart, but doubt it. A high intelligence is linked to increased anxiety (and being doubtful of one’s mental capacity are linked to both).

(source:http://healthdetails.site/)

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Learning About Anxiety

I never knew what Anxiety was. Never heard the term before last year. Even though I had gone to numerous psychologists etc over many many years, that word never came up. The more I research the more I identify and the more I realize it has been with me since I was very young. To be honest, lately I don't even know what to think or feel anymore, just that this is not living. And the worst of it is that many people around me don't want to research it but have a lot to say about how I should deal with it.

Can totally understand now why withdrawal from society is a coping mechanism. Why suffering in silence is easier than trying to educate. Why suicide seems like the only way to end the suffering. Coz it is suffering. You feel alone. You are not physically ill, although much of the time you do feel ill. It's not an easily diagnosable condition. It is not a recognized condition. You are a guinea pig hemorrhaging money until something sort of works and you can live with balancing being able to handle life versus the side affects.

I'm at a crossroads right now. Was so very determined to do this drug free, holistically, self heal. BUT it's shit and my chaotic far from schedule friendly life does not allow me to just focus on me. On rare determined occasion when I do and can, things are good. But I have noticed that weekly meltdowns are now to be expected. They are progressively getting worse. Strangely enough mostly on a Monday. Rendering Tuesday useless too, to recover. I've had about as much as I can handle. I want to enjoy the priviledged life I am blessed with.

anxiety
aŋˈzʌɪəti/
noun
  1. 1.
    a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
    1. "he felt a surge of anxiety"
      synonyms:worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation,uneasiness
      ,unease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietude,perturbation
       ,fretfulness, agitationangstnervousness, nerves,edginess,
       tension, tenseness, stressmisgivingtrepidation,foreboding,
      suspense
      antonyms:calmness, serenity
      • PSYCHIATRY
        a nervous disorder marked by excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behaviour or panic attacks.

    2. 2.
      strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.
      "the housekeeper's eager anxiety to please"
      synonyms:eagernesskeennessdesireimpatiencelongingyearning
      "her anxiety to please"




Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Personality Test

I was sent this very interesting and intriguing link a few months back. I waited a while to do the test as I wanted to have time to sit and complete it properly. I'm always fascinated by how these things work and the results are sometimes mind blowing, as it was in this case. It is really worth doing.
Check out the link here and share with me what you thought about your results
Here's a few snippets from my results which I found really profound....

INFJ personality (the Advocate) type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world. As Diplomats (NF) they have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart is the accompanying Judging (J) trait - INFJs are not idle dreamers, but people capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.

Tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all.

Though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in.

They need to remember that while they're busy taking care of the world, they need to take care of themselves too.

Strengths - creative, insightful, inspiring, decisive, determined, passionate, altruistic
Weaknesses - sensitive, extremely private, perfectionistic, always need to have a cause, can burn out easily,



Thursday, 17 March 2016

Dinner 17.03.2016

Yesterday I did some precise grocery shopping. Only getting exactly what we need for three days. I'm tired of shopping for a week then life happens and the food goes bad.
Last nights dinner was simple stirfry. Made chicken for hubby and I had angelfish. Interesting experiment with yogurt and tomato sauce made for a lovely sauce with it all. I had leftovers for lunch today.
Today I was quite busy at computer and around the house. Hubby had left before 12pm already and by the time dinner time rolled by I had gotten quite reluctant to cook. But unfortunately hubby could not go get us homecooked meals takeaways so I dug deep and cooked something up. Did a quick bake too, to finish it off.
I try so hard to stick to zero carbs after 4 but it gets challenging and boring. So tonight crosses all boundaries and it was delicious!
Here are the recipes:
Brown Rice Tuna Salad


Milo Muffins




Monday, 14 March 2016

The Great Escape

I have reality blues today! Last week hubby and I went on holiday for a whole 5 days to Plettenberg bay. We have not gone away from home in ages. Having SIX furchildren make it quite tough. The first day was very very tough. I was having silent panic attacks. It was raining. The babysitter for some reason did not come after we left and only came home really late that night. I was stressing so much. It was horrible. I even got angry and regretful. It was genuinely a very tough day.
BUT thankfully I made it through. The next 3 days were blissfully adventurous! It was amazing. I was excited to get up in the morning. I overcame some scary obstacles. I did crash in the afternoons but a quick deep nap cured it. There were some moments where I could feel my mood change, I analysed it, had a snack and hydrated and pushed through til I could get to the nap.
On one particular loooong hot hike I felt myself getting negative but I verbally voiced out loud that I was being ridiculous as the views were so breathtaking surely I could push through my discomfort to enjoy it.
I felt strong. I felt determined. I made all sorts of promises to myself that upon return I would just DO! Stop overthinking. Stop, stopping myself from accomplishing things I know I CAN do.
Which brings me to today. Ugh! It sucks adulting. I had to clean house, pack away stuff, do washing, move stuff back to its place (aka back to spare room / storage room which was cleaned for babysitter) etc etc.
I am so exhausted right now. My body hurts. My soul is tired. I have zero determination. It's like the second I arrived back home all the life got sucked out of me.
It seems like the tired I feel at home hurts and is unfair versus the tired I felt on holiday which I allowed myself to feel.
Oh and I did that race yesterday I was sort of training for. Ouch! It was not enjoyable at all. Pushes my negative thoughts even more to the forefront as I should be able to do such a short race easily but I couldn't.
I did not want to get up this morning as the list in my head of what I had to do was just too overwhelming. I have made a written list and will hopefully calmly and methodically get through each item one step at a time.

This post was suppose to be all about the great escape! But it wasn't....here is a pivotal monumentous captured memory though that sums up the awesomeness that was!
Snorkelling with Seals - how epic!!!

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Sunrise & Run

There are not many things that get me out of bed before sunrise. To go for a run, just a training run at that, would usually definitely not be a good enough reason. But...this week has seen me drag my UNfit PH(f)AT & NON-flourishing ass out of bed half asleep before sunrise. BEFORE SUNRISE people. (Insert gasping emoji)
Not only that, but drive 20km to get to destination - Hobie beach!  Madness. Reason: hubby is swim training in the ocean so I may as well enjoy the amazing views and cool ocean breeze.
We are both taking part in a race in less than two weeks time - 3 beaches challenge hosted by ZSports. We have both lost a lot of fitness. So we are both cramming. Hubby will do the duathlon solo - of course. I have been roped in to be the runner with another lady who is just swimming.
I'm really hoping this forced jolt into action will see a continued effort to stay active. It has been really hard to run. Even a little 3km is daunting now when I had once upon a time conquered a half marathon. But already day four of run/walk 5km it is feeling better. As luck would have it though a nice fat heel blister formed yesterday.  First time ever. A quick Pinterest help search and found Tea Tree Oil as a remedy. I'm a huge fan of essential oils.  Popped the sucker and applied the oil throughout the day. By this morning I was able to run a good one without discomfort with two pairs of socks and a plaster.
Sadly my eating habits are terrible at the moment. Hopefully one day I will get with the program and wonder why it took me so long to get with it.

Friday, 26 February 2016

Dinner for One

After yet another tough week, I opened up to a friend about my weird emotions and it really helped. I got dressed, made a shopping list, walked up and down every isle of the supermarket (should have worn my step counter darn), came home and started cooking and baking. I had envisioned our Friday night around the dining table (seldom used) with ice tea and cheesy cauli sticks playing scrabble. Wake up to reality and hubby has yet another meeting. Dinner for One again standing at the counter on achy feet.

My mind is in a bad zone again questioning life and the universe. But it's okay. I will get through this episode too. Like all the ones before it. Like all the ones still to come.

But let's focus on food. I love baking. I hate cooking. I was in the mood for a bit of both this afternoon. Also I had very expensive pre-prepared cauliflower rice and broccoli in the fridge. So Pinterest to the rescue. My go to for absolutely anything and everything. Best invention ever.

Here is what I made tonight. Rather delicious. Rather healthy. Rather simple. All key things I look for. And there is loads of leftovers for tomorrow! Bonus.

(All credit goes to those amazing bloggers. It is their images in here. Click on IMAGE CAPTION  to get to recipe)

BROCCOLI APPLE SALAD



CHEESY CAULIFLOWER BREAD




BLUEBERRY COCONUT LOAF

Monday, 22 February 2016

Two Minutes. Two Hours. Two days.

Two weeks. Two months. Two years.
Do not know why the above seems poignant.  Do not know why it popped into my head as I opened up this New Post. But my mind seems to want to explore these timelines...
Two minutes ago I was eating pineapple (love) an apple with little dollops of peanut butter (reminding me of my visit with a dear friend) and drinking rooibos cappuccino ( mastering our new Nespresso machine)
Two hours ago I was smashing a treadmill workout at gym. First day back after surviving being sick, a death and Life shit.
Two days ago I was enjoying a solo retail therapy session. Boring though coz as much as I wanted so many things they were not needed. So only a cheap pair of ear rings and a new Mavala (fave brand) shade were the spoils. Oh and shamelessly had a sugar filled Lunchbar (aptly named) for lunch.
Two weeks ago there was much turmoil, illness, death, family, crisis, flu.....and more family drama.
Two months ago it was summer holidays. Nothing much to write home about. And two years ago I think it was the beginning of an active race filled year.
Oh where does the time go????
Today I am missioning to get back on track. Pull myself towards myself. In two weeks time we are hoping to be at our getaway destination. Hoping to reset our body mind and soul so that we may survive the rest of the years challenges.  Hoping to have some fun and meaningful moments.  It's been a while.
But first let's see if I can shake off (the devil on my back) a kilo or two (wishful thinking). I know what to do. Now just to do it.

Saturday, 13 February 2016

W! T! F!

All I can do at the moment is shrug my shoulders, throw my hands in the air and bow my head in submission. Life has been torturous. I don't know anything I promise.
Just when I got a grip on my diet and gym schedule it all came crashing down around me. Cannot even put my brokenness in words. It is made worse by being sick. So I'm being gentle on myself and just letting it all be.
Hoping. Praying. For all this shit to end!


Thursday, 4 February 2016

Ble (gh!) ssed


The cravings and demotivation hit hard the last two days and I waivered from my strict albeit satisfying enough diet. It's been a really tough week with hubby's father taken to hospital and hubby hardly being home. When he is home 24/7 I wish for some peace and quiet and darkness so I can sleep better and the minute I know he will be gone all night I cannot sleep. Ugh! Typical. 
Yesterday I had normal Health Bread instead of Rye and had two blocks of dark Lindt Blueberry, oh and oooops a protein powder milkshake with real ice cream. I am sure they are the culprits for my intense headache and all over body ache this morning. It will take intense convincing to go weight training at gym just now. It's not my favourite workout either so i usually have to phsyc myself up anyways. 
BUT as the image below says so wisely....I am blessed! 



Monday, 1 February 2016

Are we there yet???

At this very moment I am fighting the cravings. It is day 6 and by now surely I would feel leaner or seen a little shift on the scale. I have been extra good. Zero sugar. Zero carbs after 4pm. Zero dairy. Only 1 fruit daily. Moving and sweating daily.
Ugh it's only day 6. Yet whoop whoop I made it to day 6!
We forget so easily that it took a year to pack on and it won't dissappear in a week. However this week has felt like a month has gone by already.
I'm tired and waivering. Got to keep the focus. I can do this. Just have to.



Friday, 29 January 2016

Saying YES to ME

Means saying a whole lot of NO.
No to people. No to things. No to bad food. No to even my husband and sometimes to my own damn self. When the bad negative thoughts want to take hold I have to be stern with myself and say NO. When cravings or hunger beckon I have to remind myself of the long journey ahead and say NO.
All this revelation just hit me now. I told hubby about my plan 4 days ago and he appeared to be grumpy and rude ever since and has refused to eat, full stop, or to eat the food I had said I would be making from now on and made himself something else. It hurt my feelings but I had to be strong and not let it consume me. I had to say YES to ME. Not compromise on the promise I had made to myself because of a toddler like tantrum. I had to say NO to a few outings this week as either I had a gym appointment with myself or I knew hubby just wanted to go out to eat. It isn't nice. I hate missing out on opportunities but I have to put myself strictly first, at least in these hard early days.
This morning I felt a lot of anger and resentment start to boil and I thankfully caught myself just in time. I took a moment and thought really hard about what a highlight of my week was with hubby. There was one night where we listened to music, chatted and played Scrabble. And THAT was my highlight. Just thinking about it made me feel better. So I texted hubby to tell him that I really enjoyed that evening.  Oh boy what a positive turn around that made. It changed his energy. I'm always putting everyone and especially hubby ahead of myself and it just makes me miserable and doesn't change how I get treated. This by chance experiment has proven that putting ME first is indeed a necessity and will change a whole lot more than one expects.
Here's to surviving day three! Haha small victories......



Thursday, 28 January 2016

Celebrate the small victories

When I get my craft stuff out I mean business.  LOL!
I've just finished reading Khloe Kardashian book - Strong looks better naked. And OMW so worth every cent. I don't read. Often. Or well. But it took me less than three days to gobble up this book. I can't wait to go back and scribble and highlight the good bits so that when I am down I can get quick access to it. So many things made sense and later on when I go back into it I will share what I found monumental.



Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Three months

12 weeks. The magical number. Most fitness plans revolve around this. When I was doing classes three days a week for three months with a person trainer aka the devil, I did the before and after shots. The results were amazing. The transformation was amazing.
Now thinking about three months ago when I felt as low as I do right now about my weight, had I just started then imagine how awesome I would be looking and feeling right now! Damnit man why is it so hard to stick with things or to even start.

Monday, 25 January 2016

Retail therapy

Friday afternoon I was left alone once again. Hubby chooses to be mostly away from home....but that's a topic for another.
I was not going to wallow. Or give in to the dreadful stuck in mud feelings from the heatwave. So I put on some decent clothes and went to the mall. The initial goal was just to walk around aimlessly.  But soon I found one thing then another then another and got all excited. Especially excited about the book I've been searching for since November by Khloe Kardashian.  Hoping it will help me focus more of my anger and pain into exercise and come out in the end looking amazing.
When I finally got home I was so exhausted and feet were aching so much I just plopped onto couch to recover. It was a good feeling.

Monday, 18 January 2016

UNfit, NON-phat and UNflourishing

Seeing as I feel all the above but I'm pretty f'n tired of feeling sorry for myself, I thought that even though the title of this is negative I would try to only see into the future and put a positive spin on it. Let's see how far I can get....

 ~ Fit. Fitness. Gym. Run. Races. Parkrun. Move. Steps.  These are key words to working towards a fitter me. Four days a week I have set myself appointments on my phone diary and am committing to respecting myself enough to not waiver unless someone is dying.
Monday - my favourite workout to get me started for the week is running on the treadmill at gym for 40 minutes, followed by stretching and some abs.
Tuesday - horse riding followed by an hour of pool laps at the gym
Thursday - my non favourite workout....WEIGHTS! I have a mental block but am determined to get past it asap.
Friday - Yoga.
Saturday - Parkrun or some or other race or dog walking.
For at least 3 days per week I am on a mission to attain over 10000 steps.

 ~ PHAT. Pretty. Hot. And. Tempting. Now just to believe in myself enough to feel that I look good. Good enough. That I am good enough. To stop comparing myself with the world.
Wednesdays are reserved for visiting with friends, doing something for myself like a Spa treatment or hair. Something that will reinforce that it is OK to be where I am at. It is OK to like myself. It is just all OK. A non food reward.

 ~ Flourishing. Happiness. Health. Hope. Smile. This mission will be to feel OK with my life as it is. I'm not capable of being superwoman anymore but that's OK, been there done that. To find happiness in my little life that I have down scaled to now. The simple things. Work on my mental health as well as physical health. All intertwined. Read more. Color more. Smell the roses. Be free. Have fun. Let go. Find my inner child. To be OK with not having to be the adult ALL THE TIME!

From my view point hugemungous missions. But it will be taken one day at a time. Sometimes it will be taken one hour at a time. Maybe even minute to minute. I got no choice really. Life is happening with or without me. Somehow I will make it.  'i hope so' - self doubt is so overbearing. Pffft.

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Huge crashy crashy

So of course. Shortly after "no crashy crashy" I had/have/having a huge breakdown.
Wednesday was suppose to be a special day. Hubby and I got tattoos. But my foot one was extremely painful and I think I was starting to crash before even getting out of bed. No amount of sugary drinks helped get some pep. While hubby was getting his I really went downhill. Chest tightness, tummy ache, burning eyes, yawning constantly. ... all tell tale signs.
Then for the next 48hours it was hell on earth. Was naive to volunteer to take in a mommy dog with eight tiny pups. She was aggressive to other dogs and human needy and did not want to spend time with her brood.  I was so relieved when I could take them to their new foster home. But it was just another sign that I cannot handle much. As much as I wanted to enjoy the experience it was physically damaging and emotionally draining.
Then just when I think a twelve hour stint of bed rest would do the trick......noooooo I start catching up with neglected house chores become resentful and have a major meltdown fight with hubby. This emotional crying thing is still new to me. While being on meds I could have wobbly's but they went away quickly and without tears. I'm seriously considering going back on. This shit is shit!
Am so confused and frustrated.  It's a horrible space I find myself in. And when my mind is deliriously tired it refuses to fight over matter...

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

No crashy crashy

So yesterday I was gearing up to crash big time. Monday was just as busy and intense and I crashed clock work 2pm. Why was yesterday any different?
Early morning pee patrol. Clean kitchen. Quick image design. Horse riding for an hour. Gym pool laps for half hour. Make and eat breakfast. Continue image design. Business bookkeeping reports. Snack time. Stretch legs. More bookkeeping stuff. Complete changes to image design. Sit outside. Make husband dinner. Pack dishwasher. Wash dishes. Clean kitchen. Organise dining table mess. Make nut bars. First try fail. Make nut bars, again. Wash more dishes. Make and eat my dinner. Swing arms for half hour. Evening pee patrol. You see....just a typical day, but usually I would only manage half.
I have taken REM sleep seriously though. Monday afternoon shopping trip involved looking for as many sleep masks or lookalikes aka head bands that I could find. Plus an extra pair of ear phones just for my phone next to my bed.
Suppose I should back track a little to explain why all this was necessary. My dear husband cannot go without a second being separated from his phone or TV or both. So we have a TV in our bedroom, I know not ideal, but before I allowed it he would sleep in the lounge. Now I have to endure blue flashing light and fluctuating sound levels and constant actor dialogue. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT!
It has been irking me tremendously adding to my anxiety, bad mood and negativity AND IRRITABILITY! So I took charge, as asking for a night or two of dark silence has proven impossible.
Back to sleep masks and ear phones.....Monday night I put on a head band AND a sleep mask AND played sleep meditation music streaming through YouTube. And I think I actually slept. Well.
Tried it again last night so let's see how today goes....