Bye Bye Third Part of Year

It becomes unbelievable every year as one notices how faster time flies as you get older. I remember in high school how days felt like it was dragging by, being an adult seemed miles away and it seemed like the normal wish was to be all grown up. Fast track to adulthood and all we wish for now is those days of innocence and no responsibility. If only we knew to enjoy the fun and games back then.
Right now I'm trying to juggle everything (fitness, family, friends, fosters) and still be capable of getting up the next day. Getting the balance between everything is quite tough but so far so good.
The Half Ironman training has officially started. Whoop Whoop! I'm very excited. Even more so that I have a training partner who knows what she is doing and is willing to take me under her wing. Am very grateful as doing it alone is not something I see myself doing. I only managed a 15km cycle on my mountain bike, which is apparently tougher than on a ride bike. But a scary thought that eventually I'll have to manage 100km. Afterwards went straight to a second hand shop and bought cleats to use on hubby's road bike but then saw a really good deal on a bike perfect for my height, which hubby's bike isn't really. So a big spoil. It's so funny how much money we are willing to spend on sports equipment but I'll never go buy myself pretty clothes for that price.
At the moment I feel like I'm just putting my head down and going through the motions of the daily to-do's. Honestly, I do not know how I'm going to handle NOT having the foster babies. They have given me a reason to get up in the morning, EARLY! Little souls that need me for everything. They gave me purpose. So I am very afraid. I think this is why I am even more grateful for the training partner who I am accountable to.
Every day is a new day. A day full of unexpected happenings.
So every morning I just try get through that day in one piece.

Things To Remember When You Love A Person Who Has Depression

1. Depression is not a choice.

Depression is one of the most helpless and frustrating experiences a person can have. It’s sometimes feeling sad, sometimes feeling empty, and sometimes feeling absolutely nothing at all. There are times when depression can leave someone feeling paralyzed in their own mind and body, unable to do the things they used to love to do or the things they know they should be doing. Depression is not just a bad day or a bad mood and it’s not something someone can just “get over.” Remember no one chooses to be depressed.
2. Saying things like “it’ll get better,” “you just need to get out of the house,” or “you’ll be fine” is meaningless.

It’s easy to tell someone these things because you think you’re giving them a solution or a simple way to make them feel better and to ease their pain, but these kinds of phrases always come across as empty, insulting, and essentially meaningless.

Saying these phrases to them only create more tension within, making them feel as though they’re inadequate, and like you’re not acknowledging what they’re going through by trying to put a band aid on a much larger issue. They understand you’re just trying to help but these words only make them feel worse. A silent hug can do so much more than using cliched sayings........

The Three Words That Can Change Your Life

There are three words in the English language that represent a basic framework of your psychological self-concept—and how you use them on a day-to-day basis can determine the course of your life.

• "I" very simply represents you as the agent.
• "am" represents your beliefs about who you are presently.
• "can" represents your beliefs about what you are capable of doing in the future.

When you put yourself as the agent and a belief together to form the statements “I am” or “I can,” what follows the statement creates a set of self-associations that forms the foundation of your current identity and who you are in the process of becoming. To put it simply, those statements cause you to form a mental picture of how you see yourself:

• I am: I am always late, I am never good enough, I am not good at exercise, I am a weirdo, I am socially awkward, I am a slob, I am smart, I am a good person, I am capable of taking care of myself.
• I can: I can not lose weight, I can not save money, I can never stay focused, I can get things done, I can improve my relationships, I can find a better job, I can make new friends, I can make healthy choices.......

Ocean Blessings

So this morning the most incredible thing happened, ever! The dolphins off Hobie Beach were an arms length away from me while I was swimming back around the Pier.
We got into the water just after day break. It was pristine conditions. The visibility was amazing. On our way back we stopped over a reef and viewed the cute little fishes. Then as I was making my way around the Pier heading back to shore I spot a huge fin below me. My first thought was SHARK! I instantly talked my panic down and then I saw two of the beauties surface right in front of me. Wow! I was blown away. I could not believe it was finally happening to me. My husband has had this privilege so many times I got quite irritated when he would tell me about it.
We hung around and so did they. What an incredible morning! I'm so thankful for this blessing.

(photo borrowed from google image search)

Scuba Experience - v1.0

Ocean 1 - Berni 0

I have been on the sea in crafts at high speed in fierce conditions and have gotten stranded twice when engines got cut out. So I never thought that sea sickness would be on the cards at all.
Let me back track.....we are doing a dive course. A course I really only wanted to start in October for various reasons but my impatient husband decided to go ahead and force the issue immediately. So sure, I'm always game to give anything a try.
There was a whole lot of theory and quizzes and a big exam. Cue anxiety triggers right there. Then underwater skills in the pool for hours on end. Cue exhaustion and anxiety right there. Flood your mask then clear it. LOL! Yeah right, right? Take out your breathing apparatus fling it over your shoulder, don't hold your breath while trying to flip to the side and find it, purging the water that has now gotten inside the mouth piece and THEN you may breathe again. Hahahahahha! Joking right? Wrong! .........

Ironman 2016

Hubby did Ironman 2015. That evening after finishing 15 hours and 27 minutes of continuous motion he said not again. But after few months of intense binging and doing nothing he decided to train again for the next one. Life just got in the way. Motivation was not as easy as it was with round one. Family responsibilities. By February we could see it wasn't going to happen.
So this past weekend we supported our friends taking part. We were there amidst the wonderful hype. Cheering on. It was different. Observing the heightened nerves of athletes as they buzzed around getting organised. Wondering if we had the same of looks on our faces the year before. We had serious FOMO (fear of missing out). I did get in some serious step counts that day though. Getting around was not just a straight path. It was up over around as most of the place was obviously cordoned off for the athletes. Weather was beautiful. Conditions were good. The heat got a bit high and at that point I was glad I wasn't running or cycling anywhere.
So here we are hoping to make 2017 our year. I'm very keen to train for the Half Ironman in Durban next year. I am seriously hoping a friend who suggested we train together for it will still be keen after her bad fall off her bike over the weekend. I have been feeling a lot more energised since the meds kicked in, so I am hopeful that this may actually be a turn around point for me to get back into the game in a serious way and make waves in the next year! All leading up to my 40th where I want to have accomplished some serious fitness accolades and be well on my way training for a marathon in my 42nd year!

Crochet Therapy

Crocheting, I believe, is the new 'colour therapy'

Once believed to only be for retired old women, times have changed and all ages are now giving it a try and really enjoying the mesmerizing effects. 

I remember as a young girl my granny taught me all sorts of crafts. Knitting, sewing, candlewicking, crocheting, embroidery. All mostly long forgotten but treasured memories of simpler times. 

When my new hairdresser convinced me to join her Crochet Crew monthly meet, I was quite intimidated. I could not remember how to do it at all. At my first meet with the ladies I was so bad at it and it was so exhausting trying to concentrate so hard to get something done. Eventually sat back and gave up. Put away everything for about two weeks and then one day attempted this sqaure'ish block below. All I wanted to do was make a simple square. That was my mission. It looks so rickety but I'm so proud of that square. I even managed to do a trim AND that flower (thanks to YouTube)

Since learning how to do that flower from YouTube tutorials, I created my own language by looking at the actions on the videos and wrote patterns down in my special book. 

Once I got "hooked" (crochet humour) I didn't see or hear anything around me. I was in a beautiful creative zone. Chores and normal life just got in the way. 

Just this past weekend I surprised all the ladies with my project (as seen in top image) 

They (and I) cannot believe I had come so far from day 1 to creating something so beautiful that they wanted to know by ME how to do. I taught two other new girls how to do a traditional granny square that day. I felt so chuffed and proud. How weird is that hey! 

An ancient craft can mean so much in this modern age. 

I have a new sense of value for all the beautiful items of hard hand work, gifts of pure love from my great grandmother, grandmother and my mom in law.  

Making Zoodles

I have been searching for so long for the gadget to make vegetable noodles aka Spiralizer. There were actually so many to choose from in a vast price range and all sorts of shapes and sizes; that it was all too confusing to decide online. Prices ranged from R100 to R1000, yes one thousand bucks. Uhm, hell NO! Unless it comes with a remote and handsfree kit that aint happening. So I scouted out local shops to see if I could find one that I could view in person but they were no where to be found. Then enroute our holiday recently I popped into a fancy speciality store at the Jbay Fountains Mall and found this one; reasonably priced at R250.
Let me tell you it takes a good few tries to get the hang of it. Requires patience and a bit of arm endurance too. I suggest popping a bottle of wine or steeping a cuppa tea while watching your favourite series to get through a punnet of zucchini.
As you can see from the image there are four stages. 1. whole zucchini (top) 2. zoodles 3. zucchini core 4. stubs
I'm not quite sure what to do with the core leftover pieces, probably create another meal with them, throw them in soup or stews. I froze all the leftovers and will see if it indeed freezes well.
I sauteed these zoodles in garlic butter for a little while and they came out so delicious. Much better than the Woolies prepackaged ones that you microwave in the bag.
I'm excited about finally being able to have a noodle alternative.  Yay for Zoodles!

A Good Food Day

in the life of ME according to ME looks like the following:

Supplements, Meds
Frozen Fruit, Almond Milk, Protein Smoothie
Chicken and Sweet Potato
Cheese, Apple, Biltong
Sweet carbonated drink while cooking dinner (treat)
Zoodles, Mediterranean tinned tomato mix, Ovenbaked Angelfish, Feta sprinkling
Supplements, Meds, awfully vile liquid probiotic....mallow egg to take the edge off
 - water is a constant throughout the day -

The Voices

I have always associated with this phrase "my enemies have outposts in my head" and I so often wonder why only enemies? Why do fluffy pink unicorns or Care Bears or any darn positively impactful entity not live there too?
On the lowest days it seems realistic to want to end it all. They sound so believable that you are worthless and better off and others are better off without you. They make it sound so easy, all mapped out for you, just find the energy to pick yourself up and do it.
I giggle to myself now thinking maybe the only reasons why I have not attempted anything is that 1. I probably won't get it right first time 2. I will have to clean the mess. Bwahahaha and I do hate a mess!
Recently I felt I had to make a decision between 3 choices - death, divorce, drugs
I very much wanted to holistically heal myself. Made it four months clean. Have all sorts of negative criticism  towards myself because I couldn't make it work. I probably did not even try hard enough. I know there were 10 days where I made myself a priority and it worked out beautifully. And then life hit me like a ton of bricks and threw me off my axis so much that after two months I am still trying to get back on. And then as I was crawling up I got hit again and again....sometimes I wonder if I was alone if it would be easier. If I could just have myself to take care of would it make a difference. Hence the divorce choice. Whether it is true or not, whether he intends it or not, I feel I have to be available to him 24/7. Work, clean, cook, laundry, shopping, maintenance, organising.....just everything you can imagine plus the kitchen sink. Making myself a priority means blocking out the subtle manipulative comments that come my way when I'm not 100% at his beck and call and that's hard for me. I am yet again disappointing someone. Yet again not being perfect.
So I am officially back on meds. A wonder drug according to the GP. Some reviews exclaim it has saved their life. Others of course paint a very grim picture but we (the voices) are trying not to hold onto those coz we like to be fed happy pills. LOL!
Here's to the invisible helping hand that will get me through this journey with a little softer gentler route ahead. I will NOT be a victim. I will continue to fight until I have no fight left in me.

Today I Found Myself -by Wentworth Miller

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time. 

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons. 

First and foremost, I was suicidal.

This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about.

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few.

Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

I've struggled with depression since childhood. It's a battle that's cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f--king deal.

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. "Hunk To Chunk." "Fit To Flab." Etc.

My mother has one of those "friends" who's always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.

In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

I'm glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness.

Of myself and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They're waiting to hear from you. Much love. - W.M.