A new day....again

So after many days of wallowing and lying in bed wishing time away, this morning I got up, got dressed for gym and WENT!
Did a treadmill warm up and then did Day1 of a completely new workout plan, all nicely color printed and placed into a very neat little plastic flip file.
It was hard. Very hard. I had to take numerous bending over holding onto bench catching breath moves. I am seriously unfit. Even got cramps and slightly twisted my ankle as my leg was like jelly and wouldn't hold me up. LOL!
But it felt good. I felt so proud looking at my very neat little book without having to overthink what I had to do. I was very scared to start. I thought I was not going to find a little corner to do the workout. I thought I was going to embarrass myself flailing about. But I didn't. It all worked out in the end.
So I survived Day1. I'm not even going to make any promises to myself. I have disappointed myself enough. I will take day by day and try make the best effort to make better and healthier decisions for myself.
OH OHOHOH and I got the best surprise ever on Friday! I WON a 6 night stay at a Health Retreat in Joburg. Wow! It could not have come at a better time. Just what I need. Am so looking forward to it.

Giving up....

....before even really starting

Sad. Angry. Frustrated.  Demotivated. Hurt. Bored. Unhappy. ....my mind goes blank but the list goes on.

I have everything in the world to be the happiest most blessed fit inspired woman....yet I have just crawled back into bed, scoffed down a chocolate and given up before 9am.

Washing sliding doors on Monday seeing my reflection feeling the pain in my tired arms but nothing hurts more than seeing my body go back to square one. Flubby. Big. Ugly.
After I started the new meds it felt like my body and mind was like YES! This is it. The weight on my shoulders and around my hips just fell off. I felt great in my body and my clothes. Food was not an issue.
Easy come easy go. I guess.
Now I feel helpless falling faster and faster into the familiar dark hole. And every goal I set and fail brings me down even more. I look back more than I look forward. I once had it. But I let myself down.

Project "ME"

It's been a shitty confusing traumatic busy two months doing something I did not want to do but felt compelled to. My usual 'save the world' mode takes over and before I can think I'm sucked so deep into a project I feel trapped. But life has proven once again that my guardian angels are looking out for me. Even though most of my project exits were less than civil, I find I understand that it had to be that way in the end otherwise I would fight to hold on to my own detriment.
So after the recent nasty exit I feel relieved. Free. And my dear friend came up with the best idea ever....Project ME should be my new focus!
It's not a new concept but I forget it so easily. It is so difficult to make myself a priority.
Today has been really hard. Was on my way to go enjoy a fun movie but got sidetracked by lost dogs. Again one of those things I just cannot ignore. Landed up just wasting money on high sugar death snacks, going home and getting into bed.
Need a plan. Need motivation. Need accountability.  Need to find ME Myself and I.....

Lost ME

Since going crazy post it has been a wild ride. I have just let go. It was fun while I felt there were no consequences but all of that is rushing full force towards me, I can feel it.
No training. Doing races was painful. Bad bad eating. Always eating on the run or standing. Anxiety through the roof. Very little cooking. Tired. Uninspired. Bored. Unmotivated.
I could probably go on with the list of negatives BUT.....
My dear friend who has every single proper reason to be negative and unmotivated as I am, is NOT! She picks herself up every single day and goes for a run. She tracks every single meal. She is a whizz in the kitchen. Reading her blog makes me feel real bad about my thought process, but that isn't a bad thing. If left to my own devices I destroy myself.
So all of the nonsense aside, I WILL use her amazing example as motivation to pick myself up little by little and get back into training. It won't be a big move, it will be little steps in the right direction just to make sure that 'MOVE MORE' is priority for every single day! To make myself a priority again! To do what I know is best for ME! I have lost sight of what is important. Crumbling under this dark cloud above me at the moment.
I have risen before and I will rise again!

Gone Crazy

So the last ten days have been insanely busy AND filled with CAKE! I was noticing the increased anxiety, fidgeting, lip biting, night sweats, bad sleeping....but just thought it was because of the busy schedule and new project. Then Sunday happened. Late to an event - huge anxiety started right there. Then all the guests were tardy at leaving the table as the new guests arrived - major anxiety there. THEN a hugemungous piece of chocolate mousse cake - which after two bites sent my heart into palpitations. I immediately put it into a take away box right then and there. Everyone still wanted to socialise after and I said straight out I have had enough of people in general I need to go crawl into bed. But that wasn't possible. I was on such a sugar high that I landed up cleaning the house before crashing with a major headache.
Monday rolled around and my first bit of news was of a dog being abandoned and my rage just exploded out onto Facebook. I wanted to let the world know how disgusted I am with everyone and my crazy really shone through brightly.
I sat back after having a fun filled day of offending the world and realised it must have been the affects of the 'sugar drug' I remember nights when I used to binge on blueberry muffins and my Facebook status would reflect the crazy thoughts. It is genuinely scary to think something we all eat on a regular basis can have such an affect. Time to slow down. Detox. Get back on the Sane Train!

Compliments

I'm not one for taking compliments very well. Usually physically withdrawing into myself and denying what the person has said. It has been something I've worked on for years and it's not easy to believe they speak the truth when one does not believe it about themselves.
Lately I have been receiving many compliments. At the beginning I put them down as I honestly did not believe it coz how could it be I had not worked hard enough to warrant such praise.
But yesterday a compliment from a complete stranger, well it's the lady at the vet reception who we've seen now and then over a few years, gave me a compliment about having lost so much weight. I said thank you without putting it down but I so wish I could have made her feel better about herself as she immediately put herself down. I have always thought she is beautiful yet I've never said it. And saying it immediately following her compliment would have just looked like a meaningless payback.
We really don't compliment each other enough. We are so afraid of giving and receiving compliments one could swear it's a sin. Why is that? I can only imagine it would make this horrible world a better place.
I have on rare occasion gone up to a complete stranger and paid them a compliment but then profusely apologise and literally scurry away. I could see it made their day and I would get all warm and fuzzy feelings inside. So one wonders why if the reward is so great we don't want to do it more. We sure as hell commit easily to bad habits that feel good.
Anyways, it was yet another lesson and reminder to up my game of giving and receiving compliments.

Whooosh!

Uhm where did May go? I managed ONE measly post in May and now we're already in June and I'm like hold on. I'm still trudging along. Thankfully more good days than bad. Still trying to fit it all in, which means I'm probably doing way too much too soon and that I'm always waiting for that huge crash around the corner that is going to flatten me good.
Is it really attainable? Can I really train effectively doing five different disciplines? Road running, trail running, road cycling, swimming, horse riding....sometimes trail cycling too, you know, for fun. HAHA!  There are only SEVEN days a week plus LIFE. I still have to fit in gym time too, yoga is suppose to be on top of my list but barely make those classes.
Suddenly food is a bit of an issue again. For a while it wasn't and it was lovely. I was making good choices without even thinking about and my body showed the results pleasingly. Now my tummy is expanding a bit again from bloat from the obvious bad choices. I still can't consume the quantity like I used to, thankfully, but quite often I feel discomfort after a meal. Need to start making good choices again, soon. So many events coming up though.
Finally finished the blooming Diving course this week. Yay! Saw so many beautiful creatures. It is genuinely beautiful down there. So I am quite looking forward to seeing how it is to dive just for the fun of it with a new company. If it isn't organised better then that's it for me!
There's many birthdays coming up in the next two weeks. I'm planning quite a surprise which I am excited about but also have anxiety over. So many people we've got to socialise with this month.
One day at a time. One minute at a time. One foot in front of the other. It's the only way.