Epic BurnOut!

It's official! My body has finally said stuff you and the broomstick you rode in on.
After months of serious stress and tension and non stop crazy shit the day we leave on "holiday" I wake up with a swollen lip from a fever blister. Which stresses me out even more as I had a big radio interview too. Slept a lot first two days. Went horseriding, had a marvellous ride and then my husband gets thrown off. Oi vey! End of holiday. Feel worse anyway so better to rest at home.
My birthday on Monday sucked big time. Broken body. Broken husband. No spoils.
Go to doc barely functioning, not even sure how I managed to get there as I didn't feel like I was within myself. Examines me and says oh boy! Two injections and a bag full of meds later I'm home bound for bed and no gym for a while. Eish. There goes the summer challenge. Although I'm eating horridly I'm still losing weight, so I suppose that's not a good sign either.
I was way too active today but I do feel a bit better.
Here's hoping I can start thinking of only me from now til new year.

Big Walk

Pouring with rain. Practically flooding. And where am I ... at a fun walk. Not something anyone would expect from ME.

I walked a bit but the crowd was getting to me. So the first chance I got I set foot. My poor Nike's wished they were waterproof. There were deep puddles everywhere.
Got some nasty comments along the way coz I was running. And got hugely slated for my outfit.  Pffft at least I was dry.
Got my medal. Booojah. Added to my collection.

Fun FUN RUN

Got last minute word on a fun run 18 October and entered day before. The new running buddies were so awesome. Lovely people. Took a bit of strain as there were quite a few up and down hills. But still managed to keep my normal time of 30mins for 5km.
Had some nasty people to avoid which put a damper on the run but just long enough to push ahead. LOL!

Oh boy

So over the weekend I got the bee in my bonnet to gut a depressing room and turn it into a home gym. I thought the project was going to be too big as I'm insanely busy. But I took two afternoons and it was done. Repainted and all.
We have so much equipment but it was shoved in garage. I'm so happy we finally have what I've dreamed of. Now just for some inspirational posters and then to use it. Haha.
All in good time to as fate would have it. This mornings training was met by - We all doing summer challenge so are you!
Uhm ok do I have to.
Yes you wanna lose weight dont you?
Talk about blackmail. Measurements and all taken. Goal set. Then I messaged later to say there's no way I can manage that high goal. LOL!
THEN I had a major flat afternoon coupled with numbing headache.
Chip n Dip Lemon Twist Donuts for dinner. Major fail. I suppose I'm trying to fail before I even begin as I really don't want another challenge on my plate. I just want my holiday to come. NOW!

Perception

Us. Women. We are ALWAYS so hard on ourselves. The easiest thing for us is to find fault. Always tell our friends there's no need to nitpic at their bodies as we think they are gorgeous. But we don't listen to that ourselves. And rarely take compliments well.
I've been blessed with getting tons of compliments lately. I can acknowledge that my body looks better than beginning of year but within I feel like I'm no where near where I want to be to warrant getting these compliments. 
I sure as hell am not eating 100% clean. Which in turn makes me angry coz I could have been so much further.
No matter which battles we are each fighting we all have this one enemy in common - OURSELVES!

Gentle does it

I've been taking it easy on myself. Not guilt tripping at every failure. It has made me regress a bit but this time it's ok I know what is necessary.
Training is going well still. Feeling much stronger. Getting through many more reps.
Run training is also going. Did a personal best recently. Haven't felt strong to get close again.
My head has felt funny lately. Like I'm waking up from being drugged. Fuzzy dizzy heavy head. I'm thinking it has a lot to do with not keeping up magnesium nightly. Also have had weird active intense dreams.
So back on miracle mag. Hopefully feel strong soon. Going to need all the strength I can get.

Carrot Cake Cupcakes

Took a chance with these but they were surprisingly good abd close to the real thing.
Hubby says they are too moist but I don't see a problem with that ;-)
Sorry I dont have a pic they dissapeared too quick.

2 cups almond flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tBsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 cup dates
3 bananas
3 eggs
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup coconut oil melted
1 1/2 cups carrots grated
3/4 cup walnuts chopped

Preheat oven 180 degrees
Combine almond flour baking soda salt cinnamon nutmeg in a bowl
Blender blitz dates bananas eggs vinegar oil
Pour wet ingredients in with dry and stir well
Fold in carrots and walnuts
Pour mix into muffin tin with or without paper cups
Bake 30 mins

Frosting:
1 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup cashew butter
2 tsp vanilla

Finally

Have a good rhythm going. Read a girls inspirational story and related to some of her experiences.  I now fast til about 11am daily. Some days are easier than others but it's working. After having a big wholesome breakfast the afternoons aren't filled with cravings.
My newest obsession though is lindt dark mint intense. I really need to get a grip and slow down with it. But it's actually the best choc I've had in a long time.
My weight on scale hasn't shifted but I feel leaner. Can feel my hip bones coming through. It's been many many years since I've seen them. Forgot they were there. LOL.
Started hitting the tar more often. Am loving it. Now hubby is joining me too. Like having a body guard. But he has way too much energy and bounces around like a kid. Kinda off putting at times.
So still on this tough journey to better health. Just have found a way for less anxiety about food.

Feeling left behind

I can't help it. I'm forever comparing my results to others.  But I know I shouldn't as I'm not very good to sticking to any eating plan.
This morning I did measurements.  Got so upset. In 3 months hardly any results. Even though eating not well I have been training hard (ish). I guess I should be grateful that results stayed same.
Yesterday I started a fasting technique. I'm managing quite well on it. Don't eat until 11am.
I need to make a commitment,  this time, I'm so tired of letting myself down. My mission is to stay away from cakes desserts and chocolate.  Limiting breads and dairy. For at least 30 days.
Don't know how many more times I can break this promise to myself.
Also want to up training. Hit the tar on Monday. Want to do it more. Also made a run date with a friend which I'm looking forward to.
Need to get my ipod sorted. Music is key to keep moving.

Color Run

Even though weather was totally miserable, a friend and I braved the cold. It was quite fun. Lovely route. Deffies a must do.

Still moving along

Some days I have to talk myself out of stuffing my face with bad foods. Other days I only realise what I've done when it's too late and I sit with a bloated gassy tummy.
But I'm still moving.  I am more forgiving to myself. As long as I'm doing more good than harm then I'll stay clear of where I dont want to be. At some point I'll make myself number one and beat the little bulges.

Look up Buttercup

I have been so down to the ground lately. Feeling sad angry frustrated tired. Probably literally shoulders slumped head down. Blinkers on. Rushing through the days like a machine just trying to get things done. Forgetting about ME, about all I have to be grateful for, all the happy moments I'm missing out on.
Stressing about every little thing.....I could carry on and on!
Enough is enough. Yes things are complicated and tough but I have a choice how to react to it. I want to smile. I want to breathe. Make time for ME and my friends.
So I'm not stressing about my eating and training anymore. I am doing more than most.
Making time to look pretty and for maintenance appointments.
Reminding myself of how far I have come.
So look up and smile. Be loud and proud. I am woman hear me roar. LOL!
;-)

Impatience

I'm getting so frustrated with myself feeling like I keep on trying to lose the same bloody 5kgs.
Still not as strong as I want to and need to be. Have no energy. It feels like my body is fighting against me. And let's not talk about my mind....my own worst enemy.
Went to check out the crossfit type studio. Those people weren't even breaking a sweat. And when I told them where I'm currently training they were like Yoh! So they know her reputation. So I must just get my bum and hers into gear and focus on realistic goals and stop this moaning and self doubting.
Note to self:
I'm making better choices than I did last year.
I'm not quitting.
I have come a long way already.
Stop comparing myself to others.

Had a health scare this past Sunday. Made me realise that I'm still not putting myself first. Still awaiting test results.
I also realised today that my dear husband IS actually doing something to help me - he stopped moaning about food. LOL!

Renewed Direction

Went to bed last night with the intention of sleeping all night - sort of - and waking up earlier to do some training in our newly organised garage fully kitted out with layers of donated carpeting. Looks quite spiffy and so comfortable underfoot.
Sleep was not too bad but not too good either. Still have to get up for the doggies.
Did manage 45 minutes of a rather good workout.
Boxing. Pushups. Mountain climbers. Star jumps. Knee jumps. Bicep curls. Tricep curls. Squats 3 different ways. Crunches. Plus some other Ab stuff I can't name.
All while hubby lay on the floor asking "are we done yet". I just ignored him and carried on.
Over the weekend I decided to up my own meds and take extra Rescue remedy to help with my ailing mind.
Today I'm hoping to find some time to make a Vision Board. I need to get my goals in place and in my face. Hate this limbo feeling.
Also going to sign up with local gym just to use their treadmill and spinning bike.
And I am going to check out a crossfit type studio to see if that may be more fun and goal orientated.
I get bored very quickly and usually around 6 months of something is my limit. So it may be time for a change.
Need to remember this is about ME. What I want and need to live happily ever after!

Bleeeeeep

The more I think about it the crazier I drive myself. But if I don't I feel I will lose more grip on the situation. Although I'm so far off the wagon I can barely see it anymore.
Confused much...
Today at Dischem I asked for advice on taking something to increase my stamina. I'm not making it through a training session. But the problem is I can't take any stimulants because of taking antidepressants. 
So this beefy guy asks a few questions and he seems to ask just the right (wrong) questions leading to me spilling over.
I felt so embarrassed when I finally walked away but he at least made an expensive sale I guess.
Aaaarg. When am I going to get a hold of myself? Nobody knows the pain and suffering I go through. But that's no excuse. Everyone has their cross to bear. I see how other girls overcome their struggles and compare myself to them then feel depressed that I can't find my inner strength I know has to be there. I've come this far haven't I?
Am sure (hoping) that next week will bring more clarity.

Lost the Plot

Had a bit of a breakdown at training today. Woke up pap. Arrived at studio pap. Got on bicycle pap. Then just let all the built up frustrations out! I was wanting to quit coz the constant battle with how I was going to fit workouts in around everything else that needs to happen first in my life, was driving me crazy. Tired.
The first half of this year I could focus on ME. I MADE the time and nothing else came above my workout sessions. Since reaching my goal I have felt lost. Like I can't seem to get going as what am I really working towards. Of course I still want to be leaner and toned. But it was as if it wasn't enough to excite me. Not enough to stop feeling down and eating comfort snacks.
I realised while talking to my trainer that I was once again so easily compromising myself. Putting everything and everyone else ahead of me. Once again not giving myself the highest value.
So we reassess on Thursday. Hopefully it will give me some clear goals to get me excited again! And I may sign up to our local grotty gym just so that I can use their treadmill and bike for those times I have a spare moment to add to the ME time.

Chocolate Mousse

Thanks to my friend for sharing this amazing recipe. It's by far the best Paleo dessert I've made. Simple. Cheap. No flop. Delicious.

1 can coconut milk
1/3 cup raw cocoa powder
1 cup soft dates
Drop vanilla extract

Refrigerate can of coconut milk overnight.
Pour out some of clear liquid.
Soften dates in some warm water.
Place dates in blender add 2 Tbsp coconut milk and blend.
Strain paste for smoother texture.
Add remaining coconut milk and cocoa powder and blend until smooth.
Then add vanilla.
Divide into 4 or 5 ramekins.
Place in fridge few hours.

Ctrl Alt Del

It's been a hellish week. But that's no excuse. I fell hard for the junk drug. Went out of my way to stuff my face which just fueled the need for more and more. At first there weren't adverse effects so I happily continued to binge but then came the bloating, gas, bad skin, heartburn, cardboard mouth...
I'm so hoping it's enough to force me on the right track. Going to Ctrl Alt Del from tomoro and pray I can stick to it. So disappointing that I can't stick to a simple 30 day challenge. Skinny sure as hell feels better than how I feel right now. Need to do this. For ME. Must find the inner strength I know I have, but use it to benefit ME for a change.
Let's do this!!!!

Mind over Matter

Struggling to do what is necessary to reach my last goal. Been "happily" eating whatever I want indulging in all the things I have "deprived" my mind of. My body doesn't need this crap but my mind says I do and that it will make me feel better. And it has been "easier" to just eat whatever. But NOTHING WORTH IT COMES EASY!
So I'm going to try again, third time lucky I hope. For goodness sake it's just 30 days to a better healthier me. Surely I should be able to do that????

Binge Boo Boo

Soooooo hit a huge pothole along my journey and there's no end in sight.
It all started with a shit morning and no breakfast. No prepped food for lunch. Coffee shop lunch omelette with cheat feta and rye toast. Thought that was the extent of it. Had an okay dinner. But by 9pm all further resistance crumbled.  White bread with peanut butter and jam. Doesn't sound major but it's not good at all. It's not clean eating.
This morning after gym had a giant choc chip cookie for breakfast. That's when all went to hell...
Some girls mentioned I may not be in the right headspace right now. I thought about it and they are right. The first 6 months I had an urgency to reach a certain goal. Now there's no real urgency just WANT.
Gotta get through this binge phase. Get sick. Then get back on top.

Cravings

So things have been going quite well on this reboot journey. A full week of doing it right. And the week prior doing it almost right, we shall call it the experimental week. I have been controlling my weakness for desserts with reboot friendly sweeties made with dates and nuts. But it is just not the same. However skinny and healthy feels a lot better I must say so at this stage it is not worth crashing for. I am also loving sweet potato made different ways. To me that is like dessert.
At the back of my mind though I have this detailed image of my homebaked lemon cheesecake. At some point I will have it. Just not right now. And that is ok.
This journey is interesting and different. It is definitely not a diet as I eat myself "dik" with yummy foods. It is just about doing things a little different than what I am used to. Rys vleis en aartapels lathered in oil is what I grew up on. Changing a lifetime of habits is tough.
Planning is key. If I do not have the right stuff ready to go in the fridge then this will not work. I do not like spending much time in kitchen. So prepping a whole lot once or twice a week has made life so much easier.
Onward and upward we go into week three. . .

New gadget

Looking forward to testing it out.

Paleo chef in da house

So yesterday was an epic disaster. Ran out of prepped food ... oh and had to rush hubby to doc through peak traffic then later to hospital. Only managed 1 meal so I was incredibly broken by evening. Grabbed a stash of biltong and nuts so that saved me while hubby was been booked in.
After bringing hubby back home today I decided to do some major prep to last a few days so we could both rest and recuperate. 
After 3 hours my fridge is full of very delicious meals ready to throw together. My blender just just made it through the brownie bites, so off I got shopping tomoro for a proper one.
Bacon egg cups
Sweet potato latkes
Carrot sticks
Fruit salad
Homemade burger patties
Brownie bites
Plus lunch...

I'm now kapoet and ready to put my feet up!

Reboot stash

Want to do this challenge!

Homemade Mayo

So simple I could not believe.

1 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 egg
1 egg yolk
2 tbsp lemon juice
Half tsp salt
Half tsp dijon mustard

In blender mix eggs lemon juice salt mustard
Slowly drizzle olive oil while blending
Don't overdo the blending.

If mixed with avo it makes delicious avo mousse for topping steak, fish or burgers

Lunch

Love it when a meal comes together to be equally tasty and healthy.
These latkes are so versatile and yummy. And the homemade mayo adds just that extra something a sauce addict like me craves.
And to feel like I just ate a burger is so cool, hubby can have his bread burger!

Sweet Potato Latkes

5 cups grated sweet potato
2 eggs plus 1 egg white
2 tbsp minced onions
1 tsb cinnamon
Salt pepper

Mix all ingredients.  Melt spoonful coconut oil in skillet over medium heat. Take small handfuls and drop onto hot skillet and flatten. Cook 3-5 mins per side.

*recipe courtesy of everydaypaleo.com

Dinner

Leftover hake. Sweet potato chips sliced with my new fancy slicer. Avo mayo mousse. Tomato and butter lettuce.

Prepare day

Sunday evening is going to become plan for week ahead day. Had quite a bit of fun in kitchen this evening. Made my own mayo. Sweet potato latkes and eggs for breakfast this coming week.
Also found a cafe that has a gluten free menu. Bonus! And not expensive at all.
This week it's back to square one for reboot. Armed with a few bliss balls and ingredients ready to make anything to satisfy any sweet cravings. 
Now just to keep hubby away from my stash!

Yummmmm Dinner

Fresh hake foil baked with lots of spice concoction,  lemon and drizzle coconut milk. Sweet potato chips and avo.

Bliss Balls

Something went wrong it was too sloppy. Havnt tasted yet...

 

 

Paleo Hot Choc

A little too bitter for my sweet tooth but I'm giving it a chance to acquire.

Add 3tbsp cocoa to 1 cup boiling water. Stir with fork until dissolved. Add 1tsp cinnamon and 1tbsp honey. Finally stir in half cup coconut milk and half tsp vanilla extract.

Hunted & Gathered

Fortunately Dischem had most of goodies!

Fail

Tummy has been upset since last night. At least got to have a lie in this morning. No rushing for a change. Warmed up my two surviving egg cups with half avo. So yum and filling. Put a load of washing in and strapped myself to desk. Have a boatload of work to catch up.
By 11am hubby started nagging coz I hadnt made him breakfast and he wanted to eat out. I stuck to my guns and continued to work. Lunch time I had leftovers and made him a steak roll. Had a cuppa tea and fruit to curb my cravings.
Tonight I have not been lucky with willpower. Hubby went to get himself ribs and chips and coke. I can still fight that BUT he bought two slabs of chocolate.  TWO!
My mind took over. I actually felt a panic. I blitzed a frozen banana. Uhm yuck. Ate leftover dinner from last night, chicken and sweet potato.  Thought I would be full.
Nope. My demon took over and I stuck my finger in the gooey brownie dish. Dragged myself away from more but wolfed half usn mint choc protein bar.
My tummy is still upset. But now I'm disappointed in myself too.
N.B. get paleo friendly desserts on hand ASAP!!!!!

Lunch

What keeps me going

Today was hellish tough for many reasons. Bad night as usual. Sick doggy. Sick hubby. I had cold sweats during night on top of fighting for bed space and blankets. Tough leg workout session. Rush home to make food for gardener. Rush to township for doggy visits. Three hours later speed home to find pee soaked dog bedding and floor in dining room. My hubby walking about like the living dead. Then only get chance to shower. See off gardener. Rush to vet. Wait an hour. Get home to still have to remake bed with clean linen. Crash!
Had to have a lie down. Head body tummy ache. Barely had chance to drink water today.
Egg bacon cups and handful cashew nuts saved me today.
Preplanning is only way I'm gonna survive.
Hubby polished my stash today so I had to just make another batch.

Dinner

Yum pork chops rubbed with my very own herb and spice concoction.  Boiled butternut and patty pans sprinkled with cinnamon. 
Hopefully a cuppa rooibos will satisfy my usual after dinner dessert craving.

Preparations!

Yesterday and today I've prepared myself and my kitchen for this challenge ahead.
Lots of fresh meat, veggies and fruit. Cashew nuts for snack.
Last night I lay in bed going through websites looking for recipes and started writing them down in a special book. Much easier having a book at hand than trying to find it online.
Flavouring food is also a challenge for me, so after some handy tips from friends I bought a lot of spices and dried herbs. Chucked a concoction into a coffee grinder and made a batch. Testing it on pork chops tonight.
Today's eating has been okayish. Protein shake for breakfast. Disappointed that my training session was cancelled. Lunch was spinach pasta, mince, creamed spinach, patty pans. I know pasta is a no-no but I didn't want to waste last nights leftovers, it was so yummy.
Gotta laugh though. This morning trying to take before pics was so difficult. Eventually asked my hubby aka Mr Grumpy to help. They'll have to do :)
Was pleasantly surprised by my weigh-in. Even though I've been eating like a monster, a cookie monster to be precise, it appears my metabolism has been working overtime as I have not gained as much as I feel I have.
My friends are already checking up on me. Eeeeek. So there's no turning back or cheating. I've gotta be a good girl.

Tomoro is a new day

I still have a batch of brownies to finish today (hides head under covers)

Haven't weighed myself in ages.
My goal jeans don't fit AS loosely as they did in April when I was at my lowest weight this year at 69.1kg.
I want to also take decent before pics. And measurements.

The name of this blog also came to me quite ironically. It's something my dear dear Ouma always use to say when someone asked how she was. Fit, Fat and Flourishing. Love that saying but thought I would tweek it as I want to be away from FAT as far as possible. So my husband's gangsta wannabe attitude rang in my head. PHAT - pretty hot and tasty.

Soooooo....here I go! Already training mean. So let's get on this EAT CLEAN bandwagon!

Body shape change Jan - May

My journey begins 1 January 2013!

I sat at my pc that afternoon feeling blegh. The entire holiday had been day after day eat, sleep, eat, tv, eat.... I had had enough. I googled. Stumbled upon a personal trainer I had seen and wanted to go to for ages. Sent the email immediately.

"This seems like such a cliché to be enquiring about a personal trainer first thing in the new year, but I’m desperate for help. I can’t carry on like I am. All I want to do is eat and sleep. Would you kindly send me your rates and any other info I need to make a decision to hop onto your wagon."

She replied a few hours later "As the say.. Start the new year with a bang and clearly by contacting me today u mean business.So.. Monday the 7th.. How about we book you in for a free consultation and let's do it!!"

I needed that quick reply and quick setup of appointment, I cannot be left to think too long.

Did the meet, loved the studio, could see she meant business and my first session began 8 January. I cried. It was so intense and so painful, I was so much more unfit than I thought. I mean I started running in 2011 here and there, I thought I was ok, but apparently not. I continued to cry and huff and swear and dread that studio for 2 weeks. But I kept going. 

Told myself I would do it for 6 months and I wanted to lose 10-12kg. Making a commitment financially and setting up appointments for the whole month in advance helped a lot to have no excuses. I got stronger faster than I thought I would and started enjoying going. 

The trainer is a real sgt major and will slap you on ass or stand right next to you and shout at top of voice, so for a person like me who answers to no one it was very difficult. At one point I wanted to quit. I felt like I wasn't given enough personal attention and that just came by to shout at me, always at the point where I desperately needed to take a breath. 

So I had "words" with her and sorted out the uncomfortable feelings and since then have been training real nice. 

I did so much better than I thought that I pushed forward my deadline. This whole body transformation thing was surrounded by my dream to have breast augmentation surgery. And through this intense training I finally felt ready to decide that this is the year. 

May 10 I went in for the surgery. It was really scary. The recovery has been frustrating, to feel that you can do stuff but shouldn't. I definitely felt stronger especially my legs. I believe the training definitely benefited my recovery. 

If it wasn't for a bad case of flu I would have been back at training much sooner. But 11 June, exactly a month, I stepped back into that studio and had a killer session. 

It's back to almost square one with regards to eating. Desserts, snacks, choccies and sweeties is my downfall. And not having had my emotional outlet at training has increased my desperation for all things devilish. 

So the journey continues.....but this time I have backup. My dear friend is going to hold my hand through a Reboot challenge.  She does amazing with just her own willpower, which I have zero of. 

So this is why I thought I would start this journal. Force myself to take a few minutes to re-evaluate my goals, dreams and wishes for a better me. Looking forward to seeing and comparing the results over the next few months!