A Shift In My Universe

Something has changed. So subtly. Not sure if I've spoken about it before, bad memory and all. But I think it may be worth mentioning again.
Haven't blogged in so long and it's because I've been BUSY! Extra BUSY! And that in itself is amazing. I'm capable of being busy again. I'm capable of being busy for more than one or two days. I'm capable of having a shower, shaving AND blow drying my hair. Yesterday I managed, albeit extremely exhausting, two sea dives doing skills plus an afternoon appointment and I didn't crash at five. Even after having had very limited sleep due to babysitting a bottle baby needing feeding every two hours for two days. AND another thing to mention is that when my furbabies come inside with muddy paws I am able to calmly wipe their paws and not completely lose my mind.
Yesterday's appointment was with the Homeopath. She is so impressed with the progress I've made we did not even set another appointment. It was left at call me when you need me. This after only ONE appointment. This after only about TWO months. After feeling helpless and hopeless for over two years I feel like a different person. She asked me if I don't feel angry at the fact that I reached out to so many professionals and that no one could or wanted to understand. I said that I was when I was in a bad place but right now I am reveling, hour by hour, in the glory of strength. To know that I'm gonna be OK. To know that when I do crash I'm not a failure I just need to rest and that is OK.
I've recently realised that my creativity has been restored too. I'm excited to actually implement projects and complete them. I'm learning new skills. Making gifts. Ahead of me are some massive home projects that I'm excited to get underway.
I'm cautious though at what's ahead. Always wondering if this is too good to be true. When is that train gonna flatten me again. You know, what goes up must come down. BUT in this hour I'm OK. The next hour may not be but then I have my angel winged friends who support me. I have a homeopath who believes in me and her capability to help me. I have my bed that I can go crawl into, pull the covers over my head and disappear until I'm ready to face it all again. And in some crazy silly warped way I have my husband who may not understand or feel very supportive but he's there, still there, after it all and for that I'm grateful. As much as I could ring his neck at times. He is still here.
Life is truly a fucked up journey. One can only but sit back and smile through the insanity.

The Three Words That Can Change Your Life

There are three words in the English language that represent a basic framework of your psychological self-concept—and how you use them on a day-to-day basis can determine the course of your life.

• "I" very simply represents you as the agent.
• "am" represents your beliefs about who you are presently.
• "can" represents your beliefs about what you are capable of doing in the future.

When you put yourself as the agent and a belief together to form the statements “I am” or “I can,” what follows the statement creates a set of self-associations that forms the foundation of your current identity and who you are in the process of becoming. To put it simply, those statements cause you to form a mental picture of how you see yourself:

• I am: I am always late, I am never good enough, I am not good at exercise, I am a weirdo, I am socially awkward, I am a slob, I am smart, I am a good person, I am capable of taking care of myself.
• I can: I can not lose weight, I can not save money, I can never stay focused, I can get things done, I can improve my relationships, I can find a better job, I can make new friends, I can make healthy choices.......

Saying YES to ME

Means saying a whole lot of NO.
No to people. No to things. No to bad food. No to even my husband and sometimes to my own damn self. When the bad negative thoughts want to take hold I have to be stern with myself and say NO. When cravings or hunger beckon I have to remind myself of the long journey ahead and say NO.
All this revelation just hit me now. I told hubby about my plan 4 days ago and he appeared to be grumpy and rude ever since and has refused to eat, full stop, or to eat the food I had said I would be making from now on and made himself something else. It hurt my feelings but I had to be strong and not let it consume me. I had to say YES to ME. Not compromise on the promise I had made to myself because of a toddler like tantrum. I had to say NO to a few outings this week as either I had a gym appointment with myself or I knew hubby just wanted to go out to eat. It isn't nice. I hate missing out on opportunities but I have to put myself strictly first, at least in these hard early days.
This morning I felt a lot of anger and resentment start to boil and I thankfully caught myself just in time. I took a moment and thought really hard about what a highlight of my week was with hubby. There was one night where we listened to music, chatted and played Scrabble. And THAT was my highlight. Just thinking about it made me feel better. So I texted hubby to tell him that I really enjoyed that evening.  Oh boy what a positive turn around that made. It changed his energy. I'm always putting everyone and especially hubby ahead of myself and it just makes me miserable and doesn't change how I get treated. This by chance experiment has proven that putting ME first is indeed a necessity and will change a whole lot more than one expects.
Here's to surviving day three! Haha small victories......