Learning About Anxiety

I never knew what Anxiety was. Never heard the term before last year. Even though I had gone to numerous psychologists etc over many many years, that word never came up. The more I research the more I identify and the more I realize it has been with me since I was very young. To be honest, lately I don't even know what to think or feel anymore, just that this is not living. And the worst of it is that many people around me don't want to research it but have a lot to say about how I should deal with it.

Can totally understand now why withdrawal from society is a coping mechanism. Why suffering in silence is easier than trying to educate. Why suicide seems like the only way to end the suffering. Coz it is suffering. You feel alone. You are not physically ill, although much of the time you do feel ill. It's not an easily diagnosable condition. It is not a recognized condition. You are a guinea pig hemorrhaging money until something sort of works and you can live with balancing being able to handle life versus the side affects.

I'm at a crossroads right now. Was so very determined to do this drug free, holistically, self heal. BUT it's shit and my chaotic far from schedule friendly life does not allow me to just focus on me. On rare determined occasion when I do and can, things are good. But I have noticed that weekly meltdowns are now to be expected. They are progressively getting worse. Strangely enough mostly on a Monday. Rendering Tuesday useless too, to recover. I've had about as much as I can handle. I want to enjoy the priviledged life I am blessed with.

anxiety

aŋˈzʌɪəti/

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

   1. "he felt a surge of anxiety"

      synonyms:

      worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation,uneasiness ,unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude,perturbation  ,fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves,edginess,  tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation,foreboding, suspense

      antonyms:

      calmness, serenity

      • PSYCHIATRY

        a nervous disorder marked by excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behaviour or panic attacks.

        
        
   2. 2.

      strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

      "the housekeeper's eager anxiety to please"

      synonyms:

      eagerness, keenness, desire, impatience, longing, yearning "her anxiety to please"

Huge crashy crashy

So of course. Shortly after "no crashy crashy" I had/have/having a huge breakdown.
Wednesday was suppose to be a special day. Hubby and I got tattoos. But my foot one was extremely painful and I think I was starting to crash before even getting out of bed. No amount of sugary drinks helped get some pep. While hubby was getting his I really went downhill. Chest tightness, tummy ache, burning eyes, yawning constantly. ... all tell tale signs.
Then for the next 48hours it was hell on earth. Was naive to volunteer to take in a mommy dog with eight tiny pups. She was aggressive to other dogs and human needy and did not want to spend time with her brood.  I was so relieved when I could take them to their new foster home. But it was just another sign that I cannot handle much. As much as I wanted to enjoy the experience it was physically damaging and emotionally draining.
Then just when I think a twelve hour stint of bed rest would do the trick......noooooo I start catching up with neglected house chores become resentful and have a major meltdown fight with hubby. This emotional crying thing is still new to me. While being on meds I could have wobbly's but they went away quickly and without tears. I'm seriously considering going back on. This shit is shit!
Am so confused and frustrated.  It's a horrible space I find myself in. And when my mind is deliriously tired it refuses to fight over matter...