Me, Myself and I....

My Struggle is Real....To ME! Here's the uncensored truth....

On the eve of my 37th birthday - 11.11.2015 - I felt like I was having a mid life crisis. I can only liken the feeling to being a beaten stray dog trapped in a dark corner with a figure approaching not knowing if the hand reaching out is friend or foe. Questioning everything and everyone. Which is typical for my nature but I felt panicked with nowhere to turn. I had recently been let down by professionals that I invested much time, money and self into. I was put into a "bipolar type 2" box (second time hearing this) and sent on my way to "research" (second time too) and "think about" committing to intense weekly psychology and monthly psychiatrist therapy, medications etc etc. Literally I was told only call back when you have decided. Like it's not serious enough for me to "chat" to you next week but it's serious enough for intense therapy. So I said stuff you, I do not fit into THAT box and this is where I began my own journey with ME, Myself and I.

What's the definition of insanity....doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Well I've done therapy for the last 20 years with at least 8 - 12 different pro's over that time, with various meds and supplements and so on! Chiro, Accupressure, BSR therapy, Homeopath, Massage and who can even remember it all. ENOUGH!

I've felt this deep need to share my journey. Worldwide the campaign is #shattertheshame and it's so appropriate. I've been hiding myself for many years. Faking it, putting a mask on when I am out there, pasting on a smile. I was ashamed.

Here's what I identify with during my research:

Generalised anxiety disorder - characterized by excessive anxiety and worry about a number of different events or activities

Panic attack - are sudden and intense surges of fear or anxiety that go together with physical symptoms

Separation anxiety disorder - characterised by an excessive fear or worry relating to separation from home or attachment figure

Social phobia - characterised by an intense fear or anxiety of social situations in which the individual feels they may be criticised or scrutinised

Depressive disorder - characterised by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. It is also accompanied by a number of physical and mental changes that have a negative effect on an individual's functionality.

Binge eating disorder - recurring episodes in which an individual eats a great deal more than most. Feeling a loss of control during an episode on what or how much they eat. Feel unable to stop once started.

Post traumatic stress disorder - specific mental and emotional symptoms develop after being exposed to one or more traumatic events

Chronic fatigue syndrome - flu like condition that can drain energy and last for years

and throw in a bit of OCD, Sugar addiction and a large dose of Scorpio for good measure!

Here are the symptoms I deal with:

- loss of memory or concentration

- unexplained muscle soreness

- joint pain without swelling

- headaches

- sleep disturbance

- extreme exhaustion lasting more than 24 hours after physical or mental exercise

- abdominal pains

- sensitive to light and noise and cold

- bloating

- chest pain

- dizziness, balance issue

- dry mouth, always thirsty

- earache and sensitive to wind

- jaw pain

- morning stiffness

- night sweats

Other:

- episodes of unexplained irritability, hopelessness and suicide feelings

- binge eating till I feel sick, as bad as sitting in my car in the parking lot with a spoon and a cake

- afraid to make appointments

- avoid talking over the phone

- some days just taking a shower is exhausting enough to get back into bed

- only arrange one activity a day as I fear I will not make the whole day, some days are better than others, however some days where I have been busy from 9am - 3pm I have crashed in a ugly way

- driving at night or around certain areas is scary so I avoid it

- my house has to be in a certain state with things in its place otherwise I feel uncomfortable

- sometimes I cannot handle normal daily challenges like a dog peeing on the floor or the car won't start

- the tiredness I feel is painful, my eyes glaze over, body hurts, near to tears

- I'm afraid to socialize as my memory is so bad I fear I have nothing to talk about which enforces my fear of rejection and criticism

- I have started "talking" with my hands as I want people to look at my hands rather than my eyes coz my eyes glance upwards to my left as my brain works hard to retrieve information

- I find it hard often to find words.......................................................

I largely also feel guilty, as I have such a wonderful life and there are so many people out there with so much less, why can I not just be "normal" and enjoy the blessings I have. But I have to accept that there is something amiss. It's debilitating. It has gotten progressively worse, even on medication. Which is why I weaned off SSRI meds over the 3 months under GP supervision, to see what life is like without them. There are other options waiting if I feel I cannot cope at all, but honestly except for a handful of high emotion episodes (I can now cry wet tears not just internal tears) I have felt no difference.

I put onto Facebook my November mission was to reconnect with people on a personal level, not just hiding behind my pc using FB as my enabling tool. This is part of my journey of "coming out"

I don't "need" people to know so that they feel sorry for me, I want people to know so that it helps me heal, that I don't feel paranoid about what on earth must my friends think of me - oh gosh my eyes are shooting upwards again they gonna think I don't want to talk to them, I'm yawning uncontrollably they must think they are boring me, that I forget something important and you think I'm a bad friend, avoid social gatherings so you stop inviting me..............................

It's gonna take a village and one step at a time.

My SELF-therapy process will include - color therapy (fancy word for colouring in pages), horse riding, gym, photography, reconnecting with friends, walking with my dogs, eating wholesome food, gardening, swimming, running, yoga, fun adventures, sleep, reading......

~Inhale the good shit. Exhale the bull shit!~